


Devil, yet an Angel

by maudah



Category: All Time Low
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4287360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maudah/pseuds/maudah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has been living in Baltimore his entire life. But now, he has to leave for College in San Diego. How will his new life be with his mean yet handsome new roomate Alex? Will Jack find what he is been searching for such a long time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jack's P.O.V.

My family has always been the most important thing in my life. I've always been very closed to everybody in my family. I would always be nice to everyone, mostly my mother. I like the idea of being a little mother's son, but there comes a time where things got to change. There comes a time in life where you need to take a new beginning and truly start living. That's why I'm seating in this plane taking me away from Baltimore. I've always lived in Baltimore, I've never left it.

Being in this plane all by myself is a big source of stress. I'm not used to do things on my own, for myself. I'm the type of guy who wants other people's happiness before his. Plus, saying goodbye to 18 years of my life is a real hard thing. Saying goodbye to your family and friends is a hard thing, but I guess it is not a farewell.

I've never been the popular guy. I have a couple of friends that I've known forever who would defend and love me no matter what. I've been bullied a lot in my high school years, mostly when people found out I was gay when a picture of my ex and me popped on Facebook.

People at my school were not very open-minded to homosexuality. They would make fun of me, even beat me. They would say very bad stuff. They would tell me I should not live, that I was just a big loser. But as long as I had my friends beside me, I knew I would be okay. And most of the time, I was.

So yeah, here I am, travelling to my new home: Los Angeles. Among all the College demands I've made, the only one that responded positively was in this town. You could say I'm not a pretty smart guy. I would pass my grades with 60% flush, but music. Music has always been my drug.

I still remember the day where my dad offered me my very first guitar. It was the best day of my life and also, the day where my future has been written. That's why I'm going to get a degree in music. I want to pursue my dream of being in an internationaly known band. It may sounds crazy and delusional, but people say that dreams do came true when you don't lose faith.

\--------------  
4 hours later

This is it, the beginning of my new life. I'm waiting in line at the reception of my new student reseidence. For what I've seen yet, it is very nice. There are a lot of people around my age. I hope I'll be able to put my nervosity aside and make friends. I'm not an expert at socializing with people, but I guess I will be able to do it.

''Hello, what is your name son?'' The recesptionist asked?

''Hi, my name is Jack Barakat, I'm a new student.'' I replied.

''Of course you are.'' She said happily. ''Well, Jack you'll be staying in room 314 on the third floor. It looks like your roomate has already arrived. You can go and settle him before doing whatever you kids do.''

''Thank you Miss.'' I replied.

''No problem dear, if you have any question or problem, the office is open until 9pm everyday. I hope you have a good time in here, and most of all, welcome to L.A.'' She said.

I made my way to the elevator with my three suitcases and my guitar in hand. You could say I'm the type of guy who owns a lot of clothes. This is exciting, I can't wait to meet my new roomate. I hope we'll get along, it would suck to live with some guy I can't stand. Maybe he's cute. I would not say no to a nice piece of art.

A loud noise indicated me that I was on the right floor. I made my way in the hall searching for my room. 310.311.312.313... 314! There is it, my new home for the next 4 years or so. I'm feeling nervous and totally excited. I opened the door happily and saw a guy sitting at the kitchen table eating some cereals.

''Hello, I'm Jack. I'm your roomate.'' I said happily, holding out my hand.

''Don't care.'' The guy replied before standing up and going into his room.

Well, I guess my hopes of getting along with my roomates are dead... or maybe he's just having a bad day. But one thing is sure, he certainly is the most beautiful guy I've ever laid my eyes on. Yeah, I think I'm going to enjoy this new life.


	2. Chapter 2

After settling in most of my stuff, I was hungry, very hungry. I did not buy anything to eat yet, but I saw my roommate eating some cereals earlier. Maybe he won’t mind? Who am I kidding? We talked like 30 seconds and he was an asshole. Why do beautiful guys need to be assholes? Can’t they just be beautiful from the inside too? Maybe I’m judging him too fast.

I could hear the shower running meaning my roommate was cleaning up. I guess that was my chance. He would not notice I ate some of his cereals if he doesn’t see me right? That’s what I thought.

I grabbed a bowl and pour some cereals and milk into it. I sat at the table with my iPod listening to my favorite songs, feeling overconfident I would not get caught. After taking 2 bites of my meal, someone took my headphones out of my ears.

‘’Oh look at that, the roomie made me dinner!’’ My roommate said.

‘’Well, actually it was for me…’’ I replied shyly.

‘’Well I don’t think so bro.’’ He said harshly. ‘’See, on the box there is a name written on it. It says Alex. Are you Alex? I think not.’’ So he’s name is Alex. A cute name for a handsome guy, how convenient.

‘’Well eum sorry… I was just hungry and I didn’t have anything to eat. I thought you would not mind…’’ I said.

‘’More like you thought you would not get caught.’’ Alex mentioned. ‘’You just had to be smarter and stop by the grocery store like I did. I guess I’ll be the smart guy here and you’ll be the dumbie.’’ Well that hurt. I know I’m the smartest guy in the world, but I hate when people remind me.

‘’Fuck you Alex.’’ I yelled.

‘’What did you just say?’’ He asked with anger his eyes.

‘’I said fuck you. You just don’t go call someone you don’t know dumbie. It is mean. You don’t have the right to say that.’’ I replied as some tears fell from my eyes.

‘’Aww baby Jack is crying. Do you need your mommy?’’ He mocked as he patted my shoulder. What a jerk.

‘’Don’t touch me. I’m out of here.’’ I said. I stood up from my chair and threw the bowl full of cereals and milk at Alex. Unfortunately, I missed my target.

‘’You’ll clean that up later.’’ Alex said.

‘’You wish.’’ I replied. I grabbed my keys and I was out in town for new adventures.  
\-------------------  
I don’t know how much I had to drink, probably too much for my own good. I was not supposed to get drunk tonight. Actually, I got drunk once before for one of my best friend’s birthday in Baltimore and I had been sick, really sick. At first, I was supposed to go in town and buy some food and stuff I forgot to bring from home. My plans changed when I got in the lobby and there were full of people in there. Some guy came to talk to me and told me they were all going to party in town and that it would be nice if I joined them. Since all I really wanted is to be away from Alex and have fun, I accepted.

So that is why I found myself sitting in a cab at 4 am. It was late and most people had already gone back to the residence. I was having too much fun so I stayed longer and socialize with people. Yeah me, Jack Barakat socialized with people. Alcohol is powerful. When the taxi got to the residence, I thanked him and even hugged him. I guess the drunk Jack is very affective. I got to take good note of that. When I stepped out of the taxi, I could barely walk and I was feeling dizzy. It took me around 15 minutes just to reach my room. When I got there, the door was locked. I looked for my key in my pocket but I could not find it. I guess I just lost it while I was dancing on that dance floor in that bar. Who would have guessed that I had the moves in me?

I didn’t really know what to do. I could just stay there for the night and wait for Alex to wake up. Alex. Just the thought of his name made me sick…but at the same time I could not deny he looked extremely hot when he got mad at me. But, if I stay there and get sick, it will make a mess. And I really need my bed. So I knocked loudly on the door.

‘’Alex!!’’ I yelled as I knocked on the door. ‘’Alex, lex lex. Come open the door to your best friend Jack.’’

I waited 2 minutes and Alex still didn’t answer. So I knocked on the door louder this time.

‘’Alex!!’’ I yelled. ‘’Please open the door or I’ll eat your cereals again.’’  
In less than 10 seconds, the door opened.

‘’Don’t dare touching my cereals.’’ Alex said in a sleepy voice.

‘’Oh Alex! You saved me!’’ I yelled and hugged him. He broke the hug immediately

‘’Oh God Jack just shut up. You’ll wake up everyone.’’ He said as me forced me in the apartment.

‘’Naw, it’s fine. They are all my friends. But you, you are not my friend.’’ I said pocking at his stomach.

‘’Stop touching me… You’re drunk?’’ Alex wondered.

‘’Well yeah am I duh. Just because you’re the master of not being fun doesn’t mean I am not.’’ I replied.

‘’I can be plenty of fun.’’ Alex replied and pushed me a little. Sober me would not even have felt it, but it is all it took to make drunk fall to the ground real hard.

‘’Oww, you jerk. That hurts.’’ I said sadly.

‘’Are you kidding? I barely touched you. Arghhh, I hate drunk people.’’ Alex said angrily.

‘’Well that is cool, because I hate you too.’’ I replied, trying to stand up but failed multiple times.

‘’Okay, come on I’m taking you to bed before you get on my very last nerve.’’ Alex said as he picked me up from the ground and led me to my room.

‘’Already trying to get in my bed Alex?’’ I teased.

‘’Not even in your craziest dream dumbie.’’ He replied and pushed me on my bed. And that is my last memory of that crazy night


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up the next day with the biggest headache I've ever had in my entire life. Alcohol can be your best friend, but at that moment, it was more like my ennemy. I couldn't even remember how I got to my appartment. I could only remember having a lot of fun with my new friends. Well, could I really consider friends since we were all pretty drunk and stuff? It doesn't matter. Me, Jack Barakat socialized with people on my very first day in this new town. It truly was a new begginning for me.

I picked up my phone in my pocket and saw that it was already 1PM. I had a lot of things to do and I would not let myself being distracted by parties again. I grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom. Somebody was already showering. By somebody, I mean Alex. Who else could it be? Since I was hungry, I decided that my shower could wait. The other night, I spotted a sushi shop right new to my residence. I grabbed my wallet and went out to buy some sushis. It was a beautiful sunny day. There were many persons walking in the streets. Everybody seemed so friendly.

After buying my big box of sushis, I headed back to my appartment to hear them. As I entered it, I could hear loud moans coming from the bathroom. Wow, Alex has been here for like 2 days and he already got himself someone. Since I felt very uncomfortable hearing Alex and his partner doing whatever they were doing, I made as much noise as possible. A few moments later, there was nothing but silence until I heard someone screaming. This appartment has paper thin walls.

''Fuck Alex, you told me he was gone.'' Some guy yelled. Wait...a guy?

''Well he was, he must have came back while we were in there.'' Alex replied. ''It's no big deal Zack.''

''Well, it is kind of akward having sex while someone is just in the other room and can hear us.'' That Zack guy said loudly.

''Babe, we did it multiples time while your roommate was there when I used to live in San Diego. What's the difference now? I just want to enjoy this last weekend I have with you before we both start College in different towns.'' Alex said.

''Yeah...I guess you're right. I just think it would have been less akward to meet your roommate first.'' Zack replied.

''Who cares about what my roommate thinks?'' Alex wondered. ''He's just a dumbie.'' Okay, that was it.

''You know I can hear you guys.'' I yelled. ''Stop calling me a dumbie Alex.''

A few moments later, I was joined by Alex and Zack only wearing boxers. What and akward moment. I have to admit, they both looked very hot. I guess a hot can guy has no problem finding himself a hot guy. However, Alex is still the one who caught my attention the most. Stupid hormones.

''Well eum, hi, I'm Zack, Alex's boyfriend.'' Zack said shyly.

''Boyfriend?'' I wondered.

''Yeah boyfriend.'' Alex replied harshly. ''Are you one of those little homophobic jerks? If so, I won't hesitate to punch you real nice.''

''Calm down dude, I'm not homophobic. I'm gay too.'' I replied.

''Yeah, I guessed it the first time I saw you. I saw the way you looked at me Jack. I know you think I'm hot.'' Alex said.

''No I don't.'' I lied.

''Don't lie to me Jack. Your eyes tell me different.'' Alex teased. ''Anyway, I'm with Zack who by the way is much more hotter than you will ever be. I would never touch even though you were the last human being on the planet.'' His words really hurt. I could not help the tears falling down on my cheeks. I wanted to leave, but my body wouldn't let me. I though I was down with bullying, but I guess it was too good to be true. I thought that being in college would make it all stop, but I found myself being the roommate of the biggest and hottest jerk on the planet.

''I hate you.'' I whispered sadly.

''Was that really necessary Alex?'' Zack asked harshly. ''What's wrong with you? I've never seen you being so mean before.''

''Come on babe, look at him.'' Alex said laughing. ''Could you ever be attracted to something like that?''

''First, he is a someone. He is not an object, he is a human being.'' Zack said, defending me. ''And yeah, I could. I think he looks nice.''

''If you find him that hot, why don't you go out with him?'' Alex asked harshly before heading to his room. He came out a few seconds later, all dressed up. He left the appartment without speaking another word.

I looked at Zack who seemed shocked about what just happened.

''I'm sorry about that.'' I said quietly as I wiped away the last tears in my eyes.

''It's not your fault buddy.'' Zack replied calmly, smiling at me. ''He didn't have the right to say those things to you.''

''Yeah...thanks for defending me. I appreciate it.'' I said. ''But you should not have, he seemed very pissed and stuff and I don't want you two to argue because of me.''

''I know Alex better than he knows himself. He acts all angry and stuff when people don't agree with him.'' Zack mentionned. ''He needs to know he went too far. I don't know what is wrong with him. Like I said, the Alex I know has never been mean to anyone before unless someone gets on his last nerve. Did you do anything to piss him off?''

''No. I just arrived yesterday and he was already being mean towards me. He started calling me names and all, just like that for no reason.'' I answered.

''I don't understand his attitude. We've been dating for two years, this is not the Alex I know.'' Zack said. ''I should go after him before he does anything stupid. I hate when he acts like that. Are you going to be okay?'' He went into Alex room to put on some clothes.

''Yeah, you can go.'' I said. ''I'm going to be fine, I'm used to this kind of stuff.''

''Sorry about his behaviour Jack. I'll see you around.'' Zack said and left the appartment, chasing after his boyfriend.

I finished eating my last sushis and went in the bathroom to shower. As I cleaned myself up, I could not help but think about everything that has been said. What is wrong with me that makes Alex hate me so much? Am I that ugly and dumb? Maybe I am... When I was done showering, I burried the thoughts in my mind like I always do, realizing that jerks like Alex don't deserve my tears. All they deserve is my fist in their face. But I would never do that because I don't want to stand as low as they do.So I dressed up and headed into town. I decided I would enjoy this beautiful sunny day and stop thinking about my roommate.


	4. Chapter 4

I came back home a few hours later, feeling happy and calm. I was still a little mad at Alex about whad had happened, but the fresh air helped me relax and forget about it. While I was walking down the streets, I got a text from Rian, a friend I made at the party the other night. We met up at Starbucks and talked for a while. He is a really nice guy who is also studying music. He plays the drums and we share most of our classes. Rian said he will introduce me to his group of friends since I'm new here and that he has an idea in mind. He wouldn't tell me more. I'm looking forward to it. When I left rian, I went grocery shopping and bought a big quantity of food and different stuff. It cost me much, but I guess it is always more expensive the first time.

When I entered the appartment, it was complete silence meaning Alex wasn't back yet. Since I had the appartment all to myself, I unpacked my purchases and turned on my stereo and singed along to my favorite Blink-182 album. I was so into it that I didn't even notice Alex coming in the appartment. I was sitting in the kitchen, labelling my food just like Alex did for his. Two can play that game.

''Fuck Jack, turn the volume down!'' Alex yelled. I didn't listen to him. Instead, I turned it up.

''Are you kidding me?'' Alex screamed. He walked past me and turned the stereo off. Jerk.

''Hey, who gave you right to do that?'' I asked.

''I did. I live here too and I don't want to hear that loud music even though it is one my favorite bands.'' Alex replied.

''You love Blink?'' I asked.

''Who doesn't?'' He replied harshly. Okay, I had enough.

''Okay, listen to me Alex. I'm sick of your attitude.'' I said. ''What are you being such a jerk towards me? I didn't do anything to piss you off. Why are you trying to make me all upset? Is that a little game of yours? I'm tired of those sick little games of yours. So if you have something against me, just tell me already because there is no way I want to be roommate with a jerk who will my life miserable. I moved here to be happy and free, but you just won't let me be. I can't wait for classes to start Monday so I won't have to see your face as often. Or, why don't you just move back to where you come from with the boyfriend of yours and leave me alone. That would be a good idea.''

''I can't do that...'' Alex replied. Why isn't he yelling at me? He never misses an opportunity to make me feel bad about myself.

''Sure you can. All you have to do is pack your belongings and go home. See. It's simple.'' I said harshly, still pissed off.

''I can't because Zack broke up with me.'' Alex mentionned softly. I could see tears in his eyes. Well would you look at that, karma did his job.

''That's a good thing. He must have realized what a jerk you are.'' I said. I couldn't stop the words coming out from my mouth.

''I guess he did.'' Alex replied sadly before leaving the kitchen and locking himself in his room.

Even though I hate him, I couldn't help but feel bad. I didn't have to say those words to him, I'm not that type of guy. Even though a part of me was happy that Alex was heartbroken, a bigger part of me felt sorry for him. I wanted to apologize to him. I walked to his door and went to knock but I stopped when I heard him crying. Who have thought Alex had a heart? He must be very affected by the breakup.

I did not want to disturb him so I went back to the kitchen and finished labelling my food. The guilt feeling wasn't leaving. Why did I have to be such a good and caring guy? When I was done, I couldn't hear Alex cry anymore. I went to his door and took a deep breath before knocking on it. No answer. I knocked again and still got no answer.

''Alex, please open up...'' I said softly.

''Go away Jack.'' Alex replied. You could feel the sadness in his voice.

''You don't have to open up the door... just hear me out.'' I said. ''I...I'm sorry about what I said earlier. It wasn't nice and I should not have said such things to you. I know how it feels to be heartbroken. o yeah, I'm sorry Alex...''

I was about to go in my room when Alex's door open. In front of me was standing a total different Alex. It wasn't the tough and agressive Alex anymore. It was a vulnerable and soft Alex. He let me in and we both sat on his bed. We were both silent for a little while until Alex spoke.

''You don't have to be sorry, Jack.'' Alex said. ''You said it yourself, I'm a jerk.''

''Just because you're a jerk towards me doesn't mean I can't be sorry...'' I said. And I meant it. Just because Alex is not my favorite human being doesn't mean I want him to suffer.

''He broke up with me because he said he didn't recognize me anymore. He said I was not the Alex he felt in love with anymore. He said I canged and that he didn't like the new me.'' Alex said sadly. ''Why does everything good in my life leave? Why can't I just be happy for once?'' I did not really know what to reply, because to be honnest... I felt the same way about my own life.

''It gets better Alex.'' I reply softly looking at him straight in the eyes. '' It will get better.''

''How do you know that?'' He wondered as tears fell down his eyes. ''I-I'm just a jerk who lo-loses everything.''

''Because every storm as an end Alex...your storm will end.'' I said. Alex was now crying loudly. I didn't now how to react. I just patted his back and played with his hair to give him a little comfort. When the tears stopped, he looked at me in an intense way.

''You really look like him.'' He whispered.

''Like who?'' I wondered.

'''Oh, eum, nothing, it's nothing.'' Alex replied. ''Can you go now Jack, I would like to be alone?''  
I just nodded and stood up.

''Hey Jack?'' Alex said.

''Yeah?'' I replied.

''Thank you... And I'm sorry too...for everything.'' Alex said. I gave him a short smile and left the room, closing the door behind me.

I went in my own room and laid on my bed. I closed my eyes and thought about all the recent events. I was searching for answers. What does Alex mean when he says everything good in his life leaves? Who was he talking about when he said I looked just like ''him''? But the one thing I knew is that behind his now hard broken shell lays a sensitive and vulnerable young guy. I intend to find more about this newly discovered side of him


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up the next morning with a lot of thoughts in mind. First, it was my last day off before the beginning of the semester. It was exciting and stressful at the same time. Second, I could not stop thinking about Alex. What he told me last night was on my mind all night long. I could not stop thinking about his words and how sad he looked. He apologized to me, does that mean he will stop being a jerk towards me?

It was already 10AM and I was really hungry. I got out of my bed and went to the kitchen. Alex was sitting at the table, head in his hands, crying. I was not sure if I should stay there or just go back to my room. I picked the first option. I silently sat next to him and patted his back gently. He must haven't heard me coming out of my room because he jumped at my touch.

''Fuck Jack, you scared me.'' He whispered.

''Sorry...'' I replied. ''I can't leave you alone if you want.''

''No.'' Alex said. ''I don't want to be alone. Stay please?''

''Yeah sure. Do you want anything to eat?'' I asked.

''No, I'm not hungry. Thank you.'' Alex answered. I grabbed some cereals for myself and sat next to Alex who seemed as sad and vulnerable before I went to bed. He was looking at me deeply and I could see tears coming out of his eyes.

''I'm so-sorry again Jack.'' He said.

''It's okay Alex. I accept your apologies.'' I replied in total honnesty.

''You shouldn't forgive me so easily Jack.'' He spoke. ''I've known you for only a few days and I made you feel like it shit when you didn't do anything wrong. I was rude to you for no reason. You have the right to call me a jerk Jack. I deserve it, because I am a jerk. I shouldn't have talk and act that way with you. I only have myself to blame...do you think we can start again? Like, just try to be friends or whatever. Because I can't keep acting the way I did towards you, I just can't...''

''Of course we can Alex!'' I replied. ''And you're not a jerk...well not anymore. It takes a lot of courage to apologize the way you just did and I really appreciate it. Usually, people would just keep being mean and never apologize about it.''

''Thank you for giving me another chance.'' Alex said quietly.

''Thank you for not being like them.'' I replied. ''But hey Alex...I need to ask you something.''

''What is it?'' He wondered.

''Last night, eum... you said I looked just like him. What were you talking about? Does it have anything to do with you being a jerk those past few days?'' I asked.

I could see fear and complete sadness in Alex' eyes. He bursted out into tears and the view of seeing hurt was really horrible.

''Hey Alex, don't cry.'' I said as I grabbed one of his hand.

''It j-just hurts so much.'' He replied.

I stood up from my chair and grabbed both of Alex's hands so he was standing up as well. I took him in a hug and he hugged back automatically. He was seeking the comfort, the affection. That's a new part of Alex I discovered the other night. Behind his hard armour was hidding a faded rose. We hugged for a few minutes until his sobs stopped.

''I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that back.'' I said as I broke the embrace.

''It's not your fault. It just brought back memories I'm trying to escape.'' He replied.

''You don't have to say anything more Alex, I understand.'' I said. ''Let's do something fun okay? What about we go in town and buy some stuff we need for our classes. I don't know about you, but I need a lot of stuff.''

''Don't feel obliged to stay with me if you don't want to.'' Alex said. Wow, never would have I thought that he has so poor confidence.

''I don't feel obliged. I do want to hang out with you. So, shopping? You and me?'' I replied.

''Yeah sounds fun. Thank you for offering. I do need stuff for my classes as well. Talking about classes, what are you studying?'' Alex asked.

''I'm studying Music. I play the guitar.'' I replied. ''What about you?''

''Wow cool! I'm in the Music program as well. We might have some classes togheter. I play the guitar too but I've been accepted for my singing skills. Maybe we could do a duet sometimes.'' Alex answered. The day before, I would have been mad to learn that he was in the same major as me. But today, I was happy about it. It would be nice to have a... could I say friend with me?

''Awesome! I can't wait to hear you sing, you must have a killer voice.'' I said.

''And I can't wait to hear you play.'' Alex added. ''Come on, let's go do some shopping girl friend.'' It made ma laughed. It was nice to see Alex being fun around me. There are so many things to learn about him.  
\------  
We came back home a few hours later with many bags containing books, school furniture and pizza for dinner. We had a really good time shopping around town. We got to know each other better. For example, I learned that he was in fact British, that he was a single child and that he was obsessed with the same bands as me. I feel there are some things he is hidding, but I can't force him to tell me everything. Everybody as their secret demons inside of them.

We were now in my room, just both playing the guitar and singing some random songs. I understand why Alex was accepted in the music major. He really has a killer and amazing voice. When I say amazing, it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. He has that voice full of emotion that gives you chills. We were singing Sweet Caroline when my phone rang. It was my mother.

''Hey Mom! How are you?'' I said.

''Hi J-Jack.'' She replied crying. What was happening?

''Mom, what's wrong?'' I asked nervously. She took a deep breath and said those words that cut like knives.

''It's your brother. He is...''She started.

''He's what...?'' I said sadly. Alex was giving me questionning looks.

''Dead.'' She pronounced. ''We found him last night in the garage. He hung himself.'' I was speechless. My brother, one of the most important person in my family, was dead. I tried to stay calm so my mom would not feel sadder than she already is.

''The funerals are next Saturday. I-I'll see you there Jack. I l-love you.'' She said and the line went dead.

At that moment I bursted out into tears. I thought being bullied was the worst feeling in the world. I was so wrong. That, getting a phone call where your mom tells you your brother comitted suicide, is the worst feeling on Earth. Alex, who was sitting next to me, took me in his arms. It was my turn to seek for comfort.

''You don't have to say anything Jack. I'm here for you okay?'' He said. But I needed to talk, I needed it.

''He is dead Alex. My brother. He is dead. My-my mom found him last night in the ga-garage...I'll never see him a-again Alex. The last thing I-I said to him was that he-he was a jerk for cheating on his girl-girlfriend. I should have told him t-that I loved him.'' I spoke, only making me cry more.

''I'm so sorry Jack. I'm so so sorry.'' Alex said, hugging me tighter.

''Will you co-come with me to the fu-funerals next week? I asked sadly. ''I don't want to-to go by myself. Please.''

''Of course I will Jack. I'll be there for you.'' Alex replied quietly.  
My head was hurting so much. I was a sobbing mess. I needed the pain to fade away, for a moment.

''I think I'm go-going to try to sleep. It will ta-take the pain away.'' I said.

''Okay Jack. I'll leave you on you own. I'll be in my room if you need me okay? Alex said as he broke the hug and stood up.

''Wait!'' I said as Alex was about to leave my room. '' Can you st-stay? I don't want to be alone...''

''Sure.'' He replied. And the last thing I remember about that horrible is falling asleep in Alex's arms, crying.


	6. Chapter 6

I was sitting in the bus with Alex after our first day of University. What was supposed to be an amazing day felt like torture and dpression. I was living a nightmare. Just a few days ago, I was so excited about it. I was all prepared about the idea of starting a new life. But today, I just did not care anymore.

How could I care with the bad news I got the previous night? I could I be happy when my own brother was dead? I had two classes today that I shared with Alex and my new friend Rian. Both tried to cheer me up and to comfort me. I appreciated that they cared about me, but nothing could make me feel better.

My classes seemed interesting though. The teachers were nice and even asked me what was wrong. I tried to pay a little attention to what was said, just to chase the horrible thoughts for a while, but they never faded away. I knew that I would enjoy those classes and that I was at the right place.

I tried to hold back the tears all day because I did not want to look weak in front of everybody. I did not want to be known as the depressed new kid...even though my look and attitude probably gave that first impression. I could not hold them back anymore, so I just started crying, in the middle of the bus ride.

''Don't cry Jack.'' Alex whispered as he held my hand. Alex has been very supportive, I don't know what I would have done without him if I didn't had him by my side the other night and during classes.

''It's j-just so hard Alex. The pain. It's everywhere.'' I replied.

''I know Jack, I know...'' He replied holding my hand tighter.

I did not want to talk anymore...more like I didn't feel strong enough. I just brought my body closer to Alex's, putting my head on his shoulder crying. He hold my tight like the new caring friend that he is. I knew it hurt him to see me cry, but I just could not stop. Crying; that is what I've been doing the best in the last 24 hours and that is what I did for the rest of the day.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Alex sometimes checked on me to ask me if I was hungry or if I needed anything. I really appreciated it, but I felt bad at the same time. I didn't want to be a burden.

I did not have the strenght to eat, shower or simply change clothes. All I wanted was my brother, but I will never have him back. He's gone forever and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing can fix it.

I was brought back to reality when Alex opened my door.

''Hey Jack, it's getting late and we have classes tomorrow. I'm going to go to bed, do you need anything?'' He asked.

''Yes...'' I replied sadly.

''What is it Jacky?'' He asked.

''Him...and you.'' I replied. ''Can you stay with me please, I feel better when you're with me.''

He did not say anything, he simply turned off the lights and took place in the bed next to me. He took me in his arms and I felt same.

''Goodnight Jack.'' He whispered, kissing my forehead.

''Night Alex.'' I replied before drifting to sleep in a few minutes.

\-------------------------------

It was Friday night. My week has been pretty horrible. I showed up to all my classes, but I did not want to be there. I was not able to cry anymore. I just felt numb, I didn't feel anything. At least I had Alex. He never left my side this whole week.

And he was still by my side. We were in a taxi taking us to my family's house. We took a plane earlier that day since we both didn't have any classes. My brother's funerals were the next day and I wanted to be there earlier. I needed my family's comfort and, most of all, I needed Alex's.

When we go there, Alex carried our suitcases to the front door. I knocked and my mom soon opened the door. My whole family minus one was standing there, waiting for me. They all looked as depressed and sad as me.

''Hi mom.'' I sais sadly taking in her in a huge hug.

''Hello baby.'' She replied. ''How have you been?''

''Horrible.'' I replied.

She gave me a sad smile before noticing the beautiful guy standing next to me.

''Hi, are you one of Jack's friends?'' She asked Alex.

''Eum yeah. I'm Alex.'' Alex replied timidly.

''I don't know what I would have done without him this past week.'' I added. ''He probably the reason why I'm still standing here right now.''

My mom cried a little and hugged Alex.

''Thank you for taking care of Jack. I can't lose another child.'' She said.

''It's no problem Mrs. Barakat.'' Alex said. ''Friends support each other.''

''You're sweet.'' My mom added. ''I'll let you both settle in Jack's old room. We have a big day tomorrow so you should try to catch some sleep.''

I nodded and hugged her along with my sisters and father. I told them how much I loved them and how much I need them in my life, making us cry. I then grabbed Alex's hand and led him to my old room, closing the door behind us.

''I'm sorry, eum, I just have a single bed.'' I said.

''Don't worry about it Jack.'' Alex replied hugging me.

''I'm tired.'' I said.

''Me too. Let's catch some sleep then.''

Once again, I felt asleep in Alex's arms, just like I did the whole week.

\-------------------------------

I don't think you understand how hard it is to be sitting in a church, listening to an old man praying for your dead brother as everybody around you cries. It was even harder listening to my mother talking in front of us about his older son. She was shaking and crying, but managed to deliver the whole thing. My mom always inspires me. She is the strongest person I know.

It was now my turn to speak. I was nervous and afraid I would not be able to do it. But I had to, for my brother. As I stood up, Alex gave me a comforting look, telling me it will be okay. I took place in front of the mic and started speaking about my brother.

''Evan has always been my model since he was my older brother. When I was younger, I wanted to do everything that he did, even if he did something bad. And still today, I want to be like Evan: confident, generous, respectuous. But he was suffering. I hope he feels better now, with the angels, where he belongs. Evan and I have always been closed even though we argued a lot. He has always been supportive, he never let me down. I lost not only a brother, but also a confident and my best friend. Evan, if you can hear me right now, just to know that I love you with all my heart. Protect the ones you love, you left too soon. I will always remember you, I promise.'' I spoke without chocking.

I went back to my seat and saw that Alex was crying. He hold my hand and looked at me deeply.

''That was beautiful, Jack.'' He said.

''Thank you.'' I replied, letting the tears escape.

Everybody remained quiet for what was left of the ceremony. Many people were crying, including Alex and myself. The funerals ended with 2 minutes where the priest asked us to pray. I have never prayed in my life before, but at that moment. I asked Evan to protect me, to help me. Even though I was all grown up, I still needed him.

The ceremony ended and we all followed the four men carrying Evan's coffin to the cemetery next to the church. I walked with Alex by my side, holding hands. I needed his comfort. We all gathered in the cemetery around the hole where Evan would lay forever. The priest said a last prayer before the coffin was being placed into the ground, confirming Evan was gone forever.

Suddenly, I felt empty. Alex's hand wasn't in mine anymore. I spotted him, leaving the cemetery. Something was wrong, so I decided to follow him. He didn't go too far, I saw him sitting in the stairs, crying.

''Alex what's wrong?'' I asked.

''N-nothing.'' He replied. ''Go b-back to your family Jack, I'll be okay.''

''No, I won't leave you.'' I said, putting my arm around his waist.

''He said he wouldn't leave too, but he did.'' He said, making him cry even more.

''What do you mean?'' I wondered.

''My best friend. He killed himself two years ago. He-he said he wouldn't but he did.'' Alex replied. ''Even though I understand more why he d-did it now, I'm still so mad. How could he l-leave me? And then, you c-came into my life, and you l-looked just like him. That's why I first hated you. B-because you reminded me of him.'' I didn't know what to say.

''I'm so sorry about that Alex.'' I replied.

''It's okay Jack, it is not your fault...but seeing that coffin and everything back there...it was just too much.'' Alex said.

''You should have told me it was too hard for you Alex, I would have understood.'' I pointed out.

''I didn't want to leave you alone Jack. I know what it's like to be alone when you lose someone, and I didn't want you to be. It was too hard for me and I didn't want you to suffer on your own because I care about you, maybe more than I should.'' Alex said.

What happened next was unexpected. He pressed his lips on mine. I was so shocked that I couldn't even move. But I could not deny the butterflies in my stomach. Soon enough his lips left mine, and he gave me an apolegetic look.

''I should not have done that Jack, I-I'm sorry-'' He said but I soon cut him off by pressing my lips on his, hand on his cheek. He kissed back, and it felt good. The kiss was sweet and significant. It felt right, more right than anything that has happened the past few days. We were both smiling into the kiss, just appreciating each other's presence.

''We'll be okay.'' Alex whispered.

''Yes, we will be.'' I replied. Even though the pain was still there, this right now, brought back some life inside of me that I thought was forever gone.


	7. Chapter 7

''What do you want to do now?'' Alex asked as we walked in the streets near the church, holding hands.

''Lay in bed all day, with you.'' I replied.

''We can do that later Jack, but for now, you need to do something fun. You need some happiness in your life after everything that has happened today.'' Alex said. ''Don't you have some friends you could call, maybe you would feel better after seeing them?''

''Yeah, I guess I could give them a call...'' I said. Maybe Alex was right, it could not hurt to see my friends. After all, I might not have any other occasion to hang with them until Christmas.

I took my phone from my pocket and dialed my best friend Alan's number.

''Hey Jacky!'' Alan said on the other side of the line.

''Hey Al!'' I replied. ''How are you?''

''I'm good, how are you?'' He said. ''I heard about your brother, I'm so sorry Jacky. Will you fly to Baltimore soon?''

''Well, I'm in Baltimore right now. I attended the funerals today and I'm leaving tomorrow. I was wondering if Vic and you would like to hang out with my friend and I. I kind of need to change my mind and have some fun before going back to California. It has been an horrible week for me and I always feel better when I'm around you guys.'' I explained.

''Yeah sure dude!'' Alan said. ''Vic's with me right now, we would be happy to see you. We already miss you Jacky! How about we meet at Taco Bell in 15 minutes?''

''Sounds good to me!'' I agreed. ''See you there.''

''Bye Jack!'' Alan said before hanging up. I put my my phone back in my pocket and took back Alex's hand in mine.

''We're meeting my friends at Taco Bell. Are you okay with that? I can call a taxi if you want to go back to my house.'' I said.

''It's okay with me, I just want to be with you.'' Alex replied, making me smile a little.

\---------------------------------

15 minutes later, we were at Taco Bell. My friends were already waiting for us. When I spotted them, I ran to them, leaving Alex a little behind me. I took them in a big hug, feeling happy because I actually missed them a lot. Alex was right, I needed some distraction and this was the perfect way to have a little fun.

''Hey guys, thanks for coming.'' I said.

''Anything for our little Jacky'' Vic replied.

''Who's your friend?'' Alan asked, pointing Alex who joined us.

''Oh, this is Alex, my...friend?'' I said more like a question. ''Yeah, my friend. Alex; I introduce you to Vic and Alan, my best mates.''

The truth is; I didn't exactly know what Alex and I were. I thought about our kiss, trying to figure it out what it meant. Did it hold feelings? Was it only to search some comfort? I will need to figure it out later.

''Let's get inside, I'm hungry.'' Alan said.

''You're always hungry Alan.'' Vic replied, making us all laugh.

\---------------------------------

Once everybody got their food, we sat at an empty table. Alex was by my side while Alan and Vic were sitting in front of us.

''So how's life in California Jack?'' Alan asked.

''I like it a lot! It's always sunny and warm, and the people out there are so nice... The only thing this place missed is Vic and you.'' I replied.

''And how are your classes, my little musician?'' Vic asked.

''I guess they are nice? I didn't pay much attention this week since well...you know. I was a total mess'' I replied, gainging sympathetic looks from my three friends.

''At least I had Alex by my side.'' I went on, smiling at Alex. ''I don't know what I would have done without him.''

''Well thanks for taking care of our little Jacky for us Alex.'' Vic said.

''Yeah, I'm happy to know that Jack has someone to rely on.'' Alan added.

''My pleasure.'' Alex replied. '' Jack is my friend, I will always be there for him, no matter what.''

''You're sweet.'' I said timidly.

''So are you.'' He added. ''Hey, I need to use the bathroom, I will be right back, or maybe not, because you know.''

''Just go do your business Alex.'' I replied laughing. Once Alex was out of view, Alan and Vic gave me questionning looks. Alan was the first to speak.

''So....anything you would like to tell us?'' Alan asked.

''No, why?'' I replied.

''Dude, it is kind of obvious that there is something going on between Alex and you!'' Alan said.

''No, don't know what you're talking about.'' I replied timidly.

''Dude, you're an open book to us, you can't hide things from us. We say you and Alex walking hand in hand.'' Vic added. Why do they see eveything?''

''It's true... There is nothing going on between Alex and I...well not yet? I don't know.'' I mentionned.

''Not yet...?''Vic wondered happily.

''Well, it's complicated.'' I replied. ''But eum, let just say that Alex and I might have kissed after the funerals.''

''No way!'' Alan exclaimed.

''How was it?'' Vic wondered.

''It felt amazing. I felt those little butterflies in my belly, and like wow.'' I replied.

''How about Alex, what did he think about it?'' Vic asked.

''Well, I don't know. We haven't spoken about it. It just happened. I don't know if it actually meant something...like we were both feeling sad and everything and then suddenly his lips were on mine. I don't know if it was only to seek some comfort...of if it did mean something. I still need to figure it out. I guess Alex and I will talk about it later.'' I answered.

''I saw the way he looked at you Jack, it can't be nothing.'' Vic replied.

''And the way you looked at him as well.'' Alan added.

''You guys always see everything, don't you?'' I asked laughing.

''Well, we're just taking care of you little Jacky.'' Alan replied.

I spotted Alex coming back from the bathroom.

''Alex is coming back. End of the subject.'' I warned them. They nodded smiling.

''Yo, I'm back! What were you guys talking about?'' Alex asked as he took place next to me.

''Shakira.'' Vic replied. What an idiot, I love him so much.

''Shakira?'' Alex repetead laughing.

''Yeah, Alan and I was were telling Jack how sexy she is and stuff but Mr Barakat would not agree because he loves the D. He doesn't know what he is missing'' Vic mentionned.

''Shut up Vic.'' I said laughing. ''You're just mad because I won't suck yours.''

''Ewww no.'' Vic said.

''Don't lie Vic. I know you would like to feel Jack's lips wrapped around you.'' Alan added, teasing Vic a little. The thing with Vic is that he is persuaded that he's straight while he keeps talking about this Kellin guy when he's drunk and how much he wants to have his way with him.

''Akward.'' Alex whispered.

''Welcome to my world.'' I said.

\---------------------------------

The rest of the night was fun. We spent it talking about anything and everything. Most of the night, Alan and Vic would wink at me everytime Alex talked about me or when we looked at each other.

Talking about Alex and I, we were now laying in my bed, cuddling like the previous night. I tried to avoid talking about the kiss all night long, but I needed some answers now.

''Hey Alex?'' I asked.

''Yeah Jack?'' He replied.

''I need to ask you something about the eum, the...'' I spoke timidly.

''The...?'' Alex wondered.

''Kiss.'' I replied. '' I need to know what it meant to you. Did you like it?''

''Well eum...I did really like it. Did you?'' He replied, putting a smile on my face that he could not see since we were in the dark.

''I did like too, a lot.'' I said.

''At first, I kissed you because I needed some comfort and affection...but I did not expect to feel those butterflies while kissing you. I did not expect it to feel that right.'' Alex added. ''Sorry if it sounds stupid or anything, like you probably think I'm crazy to feel this way since like yeah, we barely know each other but-''

I shut him up by planting my lips on his. He kissed me back in a sweet and delicate way. Just like our first kiss, it felt right, it felt good.

''Still feeling them?'' I asked when we broke the kiss.

''Yeah...'' He replied timidly.

''Good. Because I felt them too, and I'm still feeling them.'' I said. ''It seems like we are both crazy.''

''Only crazy for you.'' Alex replied.

''That was lame.'' I said laughing.

''Pff, you liked it.'' He replied.

We kissed one more time before we both fell asleep. I didn't know what tomorrow would hold, but I knew that as long as I had Alex by my side, it would be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

A whole week has passed since my brother's funerals. Seven days have gone by since Alex and I kissed. His lips haven't touched mine since then...and I missed the feeling.

I thought it would be akward between Alex and I because of that kiss, but I was wrong. We were still very closed. Even though I felt better than the previous, I would find him sneaking into my bedroom every night and he would fall asleep next to me, holding me tight. I got addicted to his routine. I think he did too.

I would also find him staring at me in the classes we share. We can not see next to each other because the teachers had seating charts. Almost every time I looked in his direction, he was looking back, with his gorgeous smile on his face. It would make me blush every single time. The things this guys does to me are crazy.

I don't know why we didn't kiss again. I want it so much, but I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared that it would ruin everything. Just because we kissed twice and both liked it very much doesn't mean we have to kiss again, right? What if Alex just needed comfort back in Baltimore? What if he gets angry if I kiss him again? Plus, it hasn't been a very long time since he broke up with Zack. It probably still loves him and would choose him over me.

On the other side, I know he cares about me. I know he does by the way he looks at me, by the way he smiles in my presence. He must care if he always wants to fall asleep by my side. There must be something, but I'm too scared to find out what it is.

I found myself at Starbucks with Rian working on a school project. We were probably the only human beings who are doing school stuff on a Saturday night. Since Rian is always busy with his job and his other friends, we didn't have a choice.

We were paired by the teacher. I was happy to find myself working with a friend, but I wished it was Alex. Poor Alex, he found himself being paired with some jerk who doesn't really care about school. He was in school because it was the only condition to have his parents pay for his appartment. So yeah, Alex will have to all the work on his own.

''So...Alex and you?'' Rian asked as we took a break from working. Wait, what does he mean with that question?

''Eum, are roommates? I replied with a big question mark on my face.

''Yeah, I know that,'' Rian said. ''I mean, is there something going on between you too?'' Why does he suspect that? I mean, yeah, Rian often hangs out with Alex and me...but why would he think that?

''No, no there's nothing going on between Alex and I,'' I replied. ''Nothing, nada.'' Wow Jack, what a good way to break Rian's doubts.

''Dude, I'm not stupid. I have eyes and ears you know?'' Rian replied laughing.

''What do you mean?'' I wondered.

''I see you both in class, looking at each others just smiling like teenage girls with a crush. I see how he looks at you whenever you talk. I see how you smile and laugh whenever he says something funny. It's just obvious dude, you don't have to lie to me,'' Rian replied.

I can't deny that the things he said are wrong. I mean, I saw it too, and I know the way I act. But that doesn't mean there is something going on between Alex and me, right? Talking to Rian about it could help me figuring it out.

''Well eum, there is nothing going on between Alex and I officially, I think,'' I said. ''It's complicated.''

''I am all ears. Tell me about it Jack,'' Rian said. Wow, he really seams to care about my relationship with Alex.

''Well eum, at first Alex and I really hated each other. Well mostly him. Anyway, when he learned that my brother died, he stopped being a jerk and started being nice with me. And he still is. Every night, he sneaks into my room and we fall asleep in each other's arms. He always makes sure I'm okay. I love hanging out with him,'' I said but was cut by Rian.

''Dude, he likes you. And you like him too.'' Rian said.

''That's not all. At the funerals, Alex and I have kissed, twice. And it felt so right and good Rian. But yeah, we haven't spoken about it since. We didn't kiss again. And I'm scared to make a move or talk about it...,'' I said.

''Why are you scared? There is nothing to be scared about!'' Rian mentionned. Is he joking?

''What if he doesn't love me, Rian? What if this was just a kiss out of nowhere. I don't want to be the idiot who assumed it meant something,'' I said.

''The facts don't lie Jack. There must be something going on, even the other guys think that way,'' Rian explained. Wow, is it that obvious that Alex and me might like each other?

''Do you think I should talk about it with him?'' I asked.

''Yeah, and now,'' Rian replied.

''What about our project? We are not done yet.'' I asked.

''No problem dude, I'll take care of it,'' Rian answered. ''Just go find Alex, and he better be your boyfriend when I see you in class Monday.''

''Ha-ha, thanks Rian. You are the best,'' I said.

I gave him a small hug and left Starbucks. During the 15 minutes walk home, I was thinking about how I could bring the subject. Should I just kiss him? Should I make a small talk about how I like him?

I haven't made my mind up when I reached my appartment building. I walked him and got into the elevator. I was more nervous than I have ever been. I was excited and scared. I was excited about the idea that Rian was right and that Alex liked me back. But, I was also scared that those were all wrong ideas and that he would just push me away.

I got to our door too rapidly for my own good. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Alex was sitting at the kitchen table, eating some spaghetti. He noticed me coming in and smiled. But, he must have seen that something was wrong. Thank you nerves.

''Are you okay Jack?'' Alex asked.

''Eum, yeah, eum. I just want to talk, do you want to talk?'' I asked. Wow Jack, you're so good at this.

''Eum yeah sure. Sit down and let's talk,'' Alex replied. I walked to the kitchen and sat on the chair in front of him.

''Okay so, eum...this is akward,'' I said nervously.

''Calm down Jack, it's just me. Whatever it is, you can tell me.'' Alex said, grabbing my hand to reassure me. I took a deep breath and let it all out.

''I don't know about you but I have not been able to stop thinking about the kiss. I think about this moment all the time, I think about you all the time. I'm scared to tell you this since we haven't talked about it. I'm scared that you think that it was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake for me. It felt right. And eum, I guess I like you? Like, I like like you? I feel happy whenever I am near you. You're just a little sunshine. And I need you...'' I explained.

''I like like you too, Jack,'' Alex replied. He does? Wow. ''I was as scared as you to talk about it for the same reasons. But, I was also still thinking about Zack. I can't forget about him in such a short period of time. But this week helped me figuring out things. I feel good when I'm with you. I feel like I can be the real me. I tried to convince myself that it was just a dumb crush, that I couldn't start falling for someone else that quickly...but I can't deny the butterflies I get whenever I look at you. I can't stay away from you at night, I need you in my arms. I want to start something with you, Jack.''

He stood up from his chair and walked to me. He grabbed my hand to make me stand up and looked at me in the eyes. This was a familiar look.

He planted his lips on mine and I didn't waste a second in kissing him back. Those butterflies I would have died for this past week were back.

''I've been wanting to do this all week,'' Alex said into the kiss.

''Not as much as me,'' I replied.

We kept kissing for a while. It was a tender yet passionate kiss. It would not lead any further, and it was perfect that way.

We broke the kiss reaching for air, still lost in each other's eyes. There was one question I needed to ask him, the most important question.

''Alex, will you-,'' I started asking but was cut when someone knock on the door.

''This better be important.'' Alex said. He went to open the door to reveal the person who could ruin this moment.

''Zack? What are you doing here?'' Alex asked.

''I'm here to get you back,'' Zack replied before planting his lips on Alex's. Well, this wasn't akward at all. But I could not stay there, so I went in my room and let them two on their own.

''Well Alex, now's the time to make a choice.'' I said to myself.

In my head, I knew I didn't stand a chance against Zack. Even though Alex said all those beautiful things about me, Zack was still on his mind. They shared many moments together. Maybe life doesn't want me to be happy after all...


	9. Chapter 9

Alex's P.O.V.

I was expecting anything but this. Never would have I guessed that my ex would should up on in the middle of a Saturday night saying that he wants me back.

I was suprised when he kissed me. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any butterflies. It is Zack after all. He's the guy I have loved the most in my life. He's the person I've shared the most things with. He has always been there for me, and I missed him.

On the other hand, there was Jack. Sweet Jack. How rapidly I got attached to this guy. I never would have thought that I would get so closed to him. I got to know him and I found out that he was the funniest and sweetest person I've ever met.

I was going crazy when we kissed. All those butterflies erupted in my stomach. It felt right and amazing. I knew what he was going to ask me before Zack showed up. He was going to ask me to be his boyfriend and I know that I would have said yes.

But Zack had to show up and confuse me with hiss kiss. How can he just come here and tell me that he still wants me? He dumped me and he hurt me. A part of me was mad at him. A part of me just wanted to punch him and tell that I did not want to see him ever again.

That part of me just wanted to go in Jack's room and be his. Jack makes me feel good about myself. Jack is unique and I like him a lot. I feel so protective towards him, I just want him to be happy. Whenever I'm near him, I can't help but smile. He's my sunshine, I need him in my life.

Another part of me just wanted to jump on Zack and make love to him. I just wanted him to be mine again. I could not deny that I still had feelings for him. I can't erase all the thing that we have shared.

One thing I needed was explanations. That's why I sat on the couch with Zack by my side. He was the first to talk.

''I miss you Alex,'' Zack said. ''I've done a stupid mistake by breaking up with you.''

''You hurt me Zack, you really did,'' I replied. ''I trusted with everything I had in me and you dumped me just like that. Why should I give you another chance? Why should I trust you once again?''

''Because I love you Alex. I love you with everything I have in me and I took a stupid decision by breaking up with you. Not a day has passed where I haven't been thinking about you. I feel so empty without your love, your hugs and your kisses,'' Zack said.

''What if we fight again Zack? You couldn't handle me at my worst last time, what tells me that you will this time? What tells me that you won't go breaking my heart again and again? I don't want to hurt anymore Zack,'' I replied.

''I don't how I can make you trust me. I know it must be hard for you. Believe me when I say that I love you and that I want you. I'm so stupid Alex, so stupid. I should have tried to understand why you were acting the way you did instead of avoiding it and just break up. I want you back, that's the only thing I really want. Please give me another chance,'' Zack explained.

I knew he meant every single word that he said. I know Zack better than he knows himself. I can tell when he's speaking the truth. And what he just told me was the truth.

''Okay,'' I replied.

''Okay?'' Zack asked.

''Let's pick up where we left off,'' I answered.

''Really?'' He wondered happily.

''Yeah, I think that's the right thing to do. I've been missing you too,'' I said.

He carassed my cheek and leaned in to kiss me tenderly. I kissed him back, happy to have my Zack back in my life. The kiss quickly turned into a heated make out session. I knew where this would lead, and I wasn't going to refuse it.

''I'm going to make love to you, okay?'' Zack asked as we broke the kiss, reaching for hair.

''I wouldn't want it any other way. But there's something I need to do first. Wait for me in my room?'' I replied.

''Don't take too long, I need you,'' Zack said before pecking my nose.

He headed to my room while I headed to Jack's. I needed to tell him. I knew it would hurt him, but he would understand, right? He would understand that Zack was my first real love and that it was okay for me to go back to him.

It's not like we were in a relationship. Maybe I got attached to him quickly because I needed comfort. Maybe my feelings for him weren't that real. They were just amplified because I needed someone to comfort me and make me feel better. But I did feel incredible things when I kissed him and fell asleep next to him.

I had to make a decision. And to me, going back to Zack seemed to be the right one.

I took a deep breath before opening Jack's door. He was on his bed listening to music on his iPod. He looked at me with a small smile, taking off his headphones. This was going to be harder than I thought it would be.

''Hey...'' I said nervously. ''We need to talk...''

''You went back to him, don't you?'' He asked sadly. I could even see that his eyes were getting watery.

''Yes...'' I replied.

''I thought you liked me...'' Jack said crying. ''I-I thought you wanted to be with me.''

''I do like you Jack. I care about you, it's just that...man this is so hard. If the guy you thought was the love of your life came back to you saying he wants you back, you would go back to him, right? Well that's what's happening right now...''I explained.

''Not if I liked somebody else. You kissed me Alex. You told me that you liked me a lot. We were so happy together. I was there when he wasn't. I trusted you not to make me sad, and you did. I-I don't want to talk you anymore. Please leave my room,'' Jack replied.

''I'm sorry Jack...I didn't want to make you sad,'' I said sadly. Hurting Jack was the last thing I wanted to do.

''Spare it,'' He said harshly. He put his headphones back on, not looking at me anymore. I left his room and has soon as I closed the door, he started to cry. Good job Alex.

I went to my room where my boyfriend was waiting for me happily. I took the right decision, right? It was the right choice to get back with Zack, it must be.

Zack stood up and pushed me against the wall, kissing me passionately. As our tongues fought for dominance and as our hands roamed against each other's body, I had one image in mind.

I couldn't stop thinking about Jack and how hurt he was when I told him I was back with Zack. I could not push away the thought that I made him sad.

I put an end to my make out session with Zack and pushed him away gently. I was not in the mood anymore. I never really was.

''What's wong?'' He asked.

''I-I'm just tired,'' I lied. ''Can we just sleep, please?''

''You're killing me, Alex,'' Zack replied. ''But sure, let's sleep. We'll get back to this tomorrow.''

With that said, we both took off our shirts and pants, leaving us only wearing our boxers. I closed the lights and joined him in my bed.

''Good night baby,'' He said, lightly pecking my lips.

''Night,'' I replied.

It felt good to be in his arms once again, but they weren't Jack's. They weren't the ones I got addicted to, they didn't feel as good as Jack's.

Little did I know that I might have took the wrong decision. I shouldn't be thinking that much about him. I should not have him in mind when my boyfriend's about to make love to me.

Little did I realize that the wrong guy was laying next to me. Little did I realize that who I needed in my life was Jack...and that I've lost him for good.


	10. Chapter 10

Jack's P.O.V.

That's not how things were supposed to go. That is not what was supposed to happen. I didn't want this. That night was about me asking Alex to be my boyfriend, it was supposed to be him and me, us. There were no places for Mr. Zack in the background. That night wasn't about him. He wasn't supposed to show up at our door. He wasn't supposed to ruin everything.

Nothing went as planned. If it wasn't for Zack, Alex would probably be my boyfriend by now. We would have fallen asleep together like we always did, happier than ever. He would have kissed me tenderly and he would have wrapped his arms around me. It would have been magical, it would have been perfect. But it wasn't how things went.

I didn't catch any sleep that night. I could not stop crying, everything inside of me hurt so much. Alex caused me such a big amount of sadness, probably the biggest one I have ever felt in years. Crazy as it sounds, I felt more pain learning Alex went back to his ex than when I learned that my very own brother took his life away.

I trusted Alex with everything that I had in me. I should have known that he would still be a jerk. People can't change. I should have known that he didn't care about me. I should not have let him be a part of my life.

Hearing him say that he went back to Zack felt like I was being stabbed by thousands of sharp knives. His words were painful, the truth broke my already fragile heart.

I knew I couldn't compete against Zack, but a part of me still believed that Alex would come back to me. A part of me trusted Alex to like me back. A part of me wished he wouldn't have gone back to his ex who caused him pain. I wanted him to be mine.

I hate him for making me believe all those stupid things. I hate him for telling me all those sweet words when he didn't mean a single one of them. I hate him for making me feel such amazing things when we were kissing or cuddling because he didn't feel them the way I did. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for so many things.

Most of all, I hate him for making me like him as much as I do. I hate his beautiful smile that makes me melt every single time he wears it on his beautiful face. I hate his eyes that used to comfort me and make me feel better. I hate his contagious laugh that makes him so adorable. I hate his lips and his hands who have this special hability to drive me crazy and make my entire body feel amazing.

I'm so stupid. If I haven't forgiven him for being a jerk in the first place, none of this would have happened. I would not feel empty, I would not be angry and most of all, I would not feel depressed and jealous at the idea that another boy has this special place in Alex's heart that I would die for.

I would have given everything just to be his boyfriend. I would have done all it takes to wake up with him by my side every morning. I would have made my best to make him happy every day of his life. I would do everything for Alex Gaskarth while he wouldn't do anything for me. Who woul want to do anything for the pathetic Jack Barakat anyway?

I fell for him hard, but he didn't catch me as I was falling. Why did he have to make me fall if he never had the intention to catch me? Did I deserve it? Am I such a bad person that life can't let me be happy?

I didn't know what time it was when I heard a knock at my door.

''Jack, can we talk please?'' Alex asked from the other side of the door.

I wanted to ignore him, but I would need to face him anytime. We are roommates and we have classes together, I can't ignore him forever.

I stood up from my bed and went to unlock the door. As soon as I saw Alex's face, I started crying again. Just seeing him hurt me more than anything. But we had to talk, it needed to be done. The sooner, the better.

I moved away from the door and sat on the edge of my bed. Alex closed the door behind him and sat next to me. We didn't talk at first. We were just looking at each other. He brought his hand to my face to chase the tears away, but I pushed him away. Even though I craved for his touch, it would only make things worst.

Alex was wearing a sad and tired expression. Why was he sad? I'm the one who's been hurt, not him. He made a choice for his own happiness, not mine. He went back to Zack because that's was the best thing to do at his eyes.

A few minutes later, Alex finally broke the akward silence.

''I'm sorry,'' Alex said quietly. ''I'm so sorry, Jack.''

''Don't. Don't say you're freaking s-sorry Alex. I know you're not,'' I replied.

''But I truly am sorry...'' Alex said.

''Sorry for what exactly? Sorry that your a freaking jerk who hurt me?'' I asked. I was no longer sad, I was mad.

''Yes. I'm sorry that I hurt you Jack. I didn't know that you were that attached to me. I didn't know that it would cause you so much pain. And I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I care too much about you. It hurts me to see you hurt,'' Alex answered.

''You're pathetic, Alex. Don't you remember the things I told before your stupid boyfriend showed up? Don't you remember how happy I was to be with you? Don't you remember me who was about to ask you to be my boyfriend? I clearly remember all those things, Alex. I thought you liked me, Alex. You freaking lied to me. All of this was just a lie,'' I said as I started to cry again. ''And most of all, don't you remember you saying to me that you needed me in your life and that you wanted to start something new with me?''

''You wanted me to be your boyfriend?'' He asked sadly.

''Yes, yes I did. Unlike you, I was sincere when I said that I liked you a lot and that I wanted to be with you,'' I answered.

''If I had known...'' Alex said sadly.

''Oh spare it, Alex,'' I replied. ''Don't pretend that you wouldn't have gone back to Zack even though you have known my intentions.''

''I swear, Jack. I swear I wouldn't have gone back to him, I swear I would have chosen you. I-I did a big mistake last night by going back to Zack. I realized it when I was laying in bed with him. All I could think about was you. All I could think about was that he wasn't you, and that I needed you...That's why I told him I couldn't be with him earlier this morning...because I want you.'' Alex said.

He went to press his lips on mine, but I pushed him away. His eyes told me he didn't what was happening. Maybe he'll know how it feels to be rejected now.

Did he really think that I would go back to him just like that? Did he really think that by telling he broke up with Zack would make happy again and that I would forget about everything that he did? A part of me was happy, but Alex still broke my trust. He hurt me when I was certain he wouldn't. I could not let him win like that. I couldn't let him use me and I couldn't stand being a second choice.

''That's a shame, Alex because I don't want to be with you anymore...'' I replied.

''Why? You said that you wanted to be my boyfriend and that you liked me. I don't understand,'' Alex said sadly.

''I still like you, Alex. But I also hate you. If you truly care about me, prove it. Because I don't trust you anymore. If you want to be with me, prove that you deserve a second chance,'' I replied.

''How?'' He asked. ''How can I make it up to you?''

''That is up to you to find out, Alex,'' I answered. ''If you truly want to be with me, you will find something. Until then, I'm going to stay at Rian's appartment. His roommate is gone for a month and I prefer staying with him than staying with you right now...''

''You don't have to go, Jack. Please stay...'' Alex pleaded sadly. I wouldn't change my mind, but it reassured me that he tried to stop me.

''I want to...I'm not saying that I won't come back. But at least for now, I can't stay with you,'' I replied.

''Okay,'' Alex said sadly. I could see he was crying.

He stood up from my bed and left my room leaving me alone with my thoughts and now falling tears.


	11. Chapter 11

Being around Alex was harder than I thought it would be. But I couldn't just ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist. I thought things would be easier by moving to Rian's place, but it wasn't.

I still had to see Alex everyday and it killed me every time I saw him. He was my partner in most of my classes, so I had to be around him. It would not have been very mature from me to ask for a new partner, so I accepted the fact that he could not go away from me.

I didn't eat lunch with my friends all week. First, I didn't feel like being around my friends. Actually, I just wanted to be on my own. I was scared they would ask questions about Alex and I since they all seemed to think we both liked each other. Rian was the only one who knew what happened and it would remain that way.

Rian wasn't a big fan of Alex, and I couldn't blame him. When I told him the whole story where Alex went back to Alex after everything he said to me, Rian just wanted to hurt him. He wanted him to suffer as much as I did. I made him promise not to do anything, but I still appreciated that he cared enough about me to stand up for me. I probably would have reacted the same way if it was the other way around, if Rian was the one who got hurt by a person he loved.

I also told Rian about Alex realizing he made a big mistake by choosing Zack over me. Rian was scared that I went back to him and pretended that nothing happened. He was glad when I said that I didn't and that I probably never would so I could avoid being hurt and heartbroken all over again.

Rian said it was a good decision and that I deserved so much better than Alex Gaskarth. When Rian saw me crying during the week, he would hug me and tell me that I was an amazing person who deserved someone as amazing as me...and that that someone just wasn't Alex.

I was glad to have Rian. He would try to cheer me up and would leave me on my own when he felt I needed it. I knew he didn't really appreciate the fact that I was in my bed all the time that I wasn't in school. But being the good guy he is, he understood and didn't try to push me to do fun things.

My feelings for Alex didn't fade away, they were still there. I couldn't deny them. The only thing I could do was try to hide them and burry them deep inside my mind. It hurt so much knowing that a few seconds ruined everything. A few seconds is all it took to take him away from me.

I didn't do much that week. I didn't do anything productive, I just missed Alex. I missed everything about him. I missed falling asleep next to him. I missed his arms who gave me such warm comfort. I missed the way he looked at me like I was the only person in the world. I missed everything about him.

It was Saturday when Rian decided to go in town and party with our friends. I did not feel like going, so I denied their offer. Rian offered to stay with me at home even though I kept telling him that I was fine. I wouldn't tell him that I was sad because of Alex, he would tell me that Alex doesn't even deserve a single one of my tears.

Since I didn't want to ruin Rian's night and that it would probably do more good than bad, I decided to join the party. That was just a great opportunity to get wasted and forget about everything for a little while.

I changed into more formal clothes, grabbed my wallet and left the appartment with Rian. I put a smile on my face that was first fake but that soon turned in a real one when we joined our friends at the bar.

I missed them. It was hard being away from them all week. I'm not used to having friends, so I was having them in my life is one of the best gifts life could have given me. Each one of them being extraordinary and awesome, I would not trade them for anything in the world.

**********

A few hours after getting to bar, I was more than wasted. How much did I drink? I couldn't even count on my two hands. In fact, I stopped counting after drinking 5 beers, 5 shots of tequila, 1 rhum and coke and 2 sex on the beach.

I was in the middle of the dancefloor with my friends having a good time. I didn't have a care in the world, that is what I love about alcohol. I always feel better after drinking, I'm a funny drunk. And at the moment, I was also an horny drunk.

Everybody around me looked so sexy to me. Well boys, not girls. Girls are gross, boys are hot. I thought Rian was extremely hot, but I knew I couldn't make a move.

Why do hot guys need to be straight? I would have jumped on him if he didn't have a girlfriend. I could have tried to turn him into a cool gay guy like me, which I knew I could since I'm the amazing Jack, but it would not have been fair for her precious girlfriend.

And then I spotted a guy, or should I say a God. He was tall, muscular and had long brown hair. He was standing in the middle of the dancefloor on his own and I could see that he was looking back at me.

My sober self would have stayed where he is, but my drunk self decided to go and talk to that guy. In fact, I wanted more than just talk.

''I noticed that you were staring at me, liked what you saw?'' I asked as I got next to him.

''Yes, really. You're kind of hot,'' the hot guy replied.

''You're not too bad yourself dear,'' I said winking.

''Enjoying your night?'' He asked.

''Yeah, but I thought we could bring the party somewhere else, you know...just you and me?'' I proposed. The words just came out of my mouth so easily.

''My place or yours?'' The guy asked.

Wow! All this time, it was that easy to get yourself a one-night stand. I should have tried earlier.

''Mine,'' I answered.

I didn't just want to have sex with a stranger, I had a bigger plan in mind. I knew Alex would be home and that was just perfect.

I grabbed the guy's hand. I didn't care about his name or who he was, all I cared about was that he was hot and that he would help me venge myself from Alex.

I never used to make people pay for what they did to me. But this time was different, I needed it. I wanted Alex to learn from his mistakes once and for all.

We hopped in the first taxi that we spotted and made our way to my place. Nothing much was said during the ride. My hot boy would just look at me intensely, bitting his bottom lip. That was enough to turn me on and I could already feel myself gettting hard.

I knew this would be a great night after all. After everything that happened, I deserved it. And Alex deserved to hurt like I did. Two can play that game. And it was my turn to win it. It was time for Alex to lose. And he would lose big time.

I paid the taxi driver when we got to my appartment building. It was around 2 AM, so I knew Alex wouldn't be asleep yet. And if he was, I would make sure to wake him up with the sound of my voice.

I got in the elevator with my hot date. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted to jump on him. I did too, but now wasn't the right time. I grabbed his hand when we reached my floor. I knew it would be painful for Alex seeing me holding hands with someone that isn't him.

I opened my appartment's door and just like I expected, Alex was seating on the couch watching TV. I knew my plan would work.

I closed the door behind and kissed my hot date hungrily but he pushed me back a little, pointing at my roommate.

''Oh, don't mind him. You know you want this,'' I said in a flirtitious tone. ''My room's down the hall of the left.''

He nodded and crashed back his lips on mine. It didn't feel exactly right, but I kissed back hungrily so Alex could have a great free show to look at. My hot guy was leading me to my room. I opened my eyes, still kissing the guy. I wanted to see Alex's face.

And I got the look I was waiting for. He was sad. He was crying. He was hurt. He finally knew how I felt. He stood up from the couch and walked past us, locking himself in his room. Poor baby, who's hurting now?

The guy pushed me in my room, closing the door behind us. Few seconds later, we were both naked on my bed. And I didn't care about being loud. I didn't care if Alex heard us moan.

That's what I wanted. I wanted him to suffer even more. I was taking a guilty pleasure at the idea he was crying in his room while I was having one of the greatest times of my life. Like I said, two can play that game. And I won.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up the next day with the biggest headache in the whole hangover's history. I couldn't remember everything that happened the previous night, but most of it was perfectly clear. And I absolutely hated myself for what I've done. I acted like a cruel jerk. That was so unlike me, I couldn't believe I've even thought about doing it. Fortunately, I woke up alone in my bed meaning the guy was already gone.

I could perfectly remember how wasted I was. I remembered feeling horny and seeing that hot guy in the crowd. I walked in his direction and started flirting with him. I had an horrible plan in mind. I took that guy to my place because I wanted to make Alex suffer. I wanted him to be sad, I wanted to hurt him so bad by sleeping with a guy that wasn't him. And it worked.

I had a freaking one night stand to hurt someone I was supposed to care about. Alex may have hurt me, I still cared about him. I can't believe that alcohol made me do that. At the same time, I couldn't put all the blame on alcohol. You still can be concious of your actions even when you're drunk. I can't believe that a part of was so determinated to break Alex's heart. I couldn't believe that I turned into a jerk for a night.

I messed up. Why did I have to do that? Where did that stupid idea of making him suffer as much as I did came from? Did I really think that it would make me feel better when I would wake up? I did enjoy seeing his hurt expression when I got home, but I didn't enjoy it anymore. Alex didn't deserve that.

I thought he was a jerk. He wasn't. I was. Alex made a mistake and it hurt. He realized his mistake and he apologized. He said he wanted me and that he was sorry. He said that he was ready to do anything to win me back. And me? I slept with a guy to hurt him. I ruined all the chances we had to ever be together. Not only did I ruin that, I also ruined our friendship and everything that we have been sharing since we met.

I hear noise coming from the kitchen. I also heard crying. Alex was in the kitchen crying because of me. I didn't want to face him, but I had to. I knew apologizing wouldn't erase the pain I caused him, but that was the least I could do. I knew he wouldn't forgive me, I knew he would hate me. But he couldn't hate myself more than I hated myself for my actions.

I stood up from my bed and headed to the kitchen. As soon as Alex saw me, he went to leave. He didn't want to be around me and I couldn't blame him. I grabbed his wrist and he pushed me away. He was crying, he truly was hurt.

''Please Alex, I just want to talk,'' I begged.

He nodded and sat back on the kitchen chair. I sat on the chair that was the further from his. I knew he didn't want me near him and I respected that.

''I-I hate you Jack,'' he replied. ''I freaking hate you.''

''I know Alex, I can't blame you. I hate myself even more. I-I'm so sorry that I hurt you, Alex. I-I don't what I was thinking. I'm a jerk,'' I said sadly. I was on the verge of tears.

Alex just cried even more. It was so painful to watch him suffer that badly. It was all my fault. I can't believe that I thought I would enjoy seeing him cry. I went to grab his hand, but he removed it before I could touch it. He was disgusted by me.

''D-Don't touch me,'' he replied. ''I d-don't want you to touch me,Jack.''

''Okay...'' I said.

He took a deep breath before he spoke again. This was clearly difficult for him. There were so many things he needed to say, and he said them all at once.

''Why d-did you do that? You wanted to make me suffer? Well, g-good job Jack, you did it. You broke me. I-I know that I haven't been okay with you, but what you did is so much worst. I-I thought you liked me. But you don't. You hate me s-so much that you decided to sleep with another guy to ruin me. You were so enjoying it Jack. I-I could hear everything and you knew it. You wanted to break my heart, and you d-did,'' Alex said, holding a mix of sadness and anger.

''I'm an asshole. I know. I'm not asking you to forgive me. I can't even forgive myself so I'm not expecting you to do so. I just wanted to apologize. I know that nothing I'm going to say will make it better. I'm just so sorry Alex. I'm an horrible person for wanting to cause you pain. But I regret it, I regret it more than anything because I like you,'' I said.

''Shut up with your nice words Jack. You clearly don't like me. If you had liked me, you wouldn't have done what you did and I wouldn't be in pain...and I wouldn't have done this to myself,'' he mentionned crying.

He raised the sleeves of his hoodie, revealing his arms covered with fresh cuts. That was too much. I couldn't contain the tears anymore. I made Alex self-harmed. If only I had known.

''A-Alex...W-why?'' I asked sadly.

''Because I-I lost everything. My family h-hates me. My new friends hate me for what I-I've done to you. Y-you hate me and you ruined me. Everything I once had is g-gone. Y-You were all I had left. I-I trusted you and you broke me. I-I have nothing anymore. I don't want to feel a thing anymore,'' he answered.

''I-I'm sorry...'' I replied crying.

I couldn't stay near him any longer. I locked myself in my room and laid in my bed. I cried and I cried. The monster I am caused Alex to hurt himself. I made him reach his lowest point. All I could think about was the large amount of scars on his arms. I hoped they were the only one. I hoped he stopped there. I couldn't leave with myself.

I wrote Alex a letter. He would read it and he would never hear about me anymore. I didn't deserve to be part of his life.

Dear Alex,

I can't even put into words how sorry I am. I never meant for this to happen. I wish I could turn back time. I never wanted to cause you so much pain. I never wanted you to cut your perfect body. I didn't want to hurt you at that point. I regret it with everything that I have in me. It's something that I'll have to leave with everyday for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to forgive myself.

You'll never hear of me ever again, Alex. I don't deserve to be part of your life. By the time you're reading this, I'll be gone. Please, don't look for me even though I doubt you would. You'll live an happy life without me. I'll never cause you any more misery.

I wish you an amazing life, Alex. I wish you a life that I won't be part of. I wished we haven't met. I wish we haven't met because we wouldn't be in this situation right now. You wouldn't be in pain. You would be happy if I haven't been part of your life. I'm sorry that I had to be your roommate. I'm sorry for everything. There are so many things I wish I didn't do. I never meant to do those things to you.

Maybe you'll be able to forgive someday. But I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I'm a monster, a selfish and horrible monster who caused so much pain to one of the greatest human beings. Someone like you doesn't deserve to hurt. You deserve so many great things.

As I said, don't look for me. I'm not worth it. I'll be somewhere where you can't find me. I'll be somewhere where I won't hurt you anymore. I won't hurt anyone else where I'll be. We'll both be happier and it will be for the best.

Never forget that you're an amazing person, Alex. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope thatt you'll succeed in the music industry. I hope that you'll find love,that you''ll get married and that you'll have your own little family with beautiful children. I hope that you'll grow old and happy, without me. I hope that you'll chase all of your wildest dreams. I want you to have the life that you deserve.

I'm sorry that it has to end this way and I'm sorry that I hurt you,

Jack.

The tears never stopped as I was writing those few words. I rewrote the letter thrice, wanting it to be perfect. I realized it was useless and that it would never be perfect. Alex probably wouldn't read it all the way when he'd realize the letter was from me.

I grabbed an old backpack and put some stuff in it: a shirt, my iPod, my cellphone and my wallet. I didn't need much. All my other stuff was useless. I grabbed a jacket and left my room.

Alex was asleep on the couch. I quietly placed the letter on the table next to him. I didn't want him to wake up. I took one last look at his beautiful face. I would never see it again. I would never see Alex again, that's how things needed to be. I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

With that, I left the appartment and didn't look back. I wasn't coming back. It was for the best. I had somewhere else to be, a place where people like me should be. If you were me, you would have done the same. I didn't want to live with guilt any longer. I didn't even want to be here anymore.


	13. Chapter 13

Alex's P.O.V.

I couldn't believe what Jack did to me. I couldn't believe that the sweet and loving guy I fell for could turn into a monster whose goal was to hurt me. I couldn't believe that he brought some guy to our apartment so he could break my heart in thousands tiny pieces.

What I did to him was unfair, but what he did to me was twenty times worst. I thought we both liked each other. I knew I lost Jack's trust, but I was ready to do anything to win it back. But he had to ruin everything, he had to break me more than I already was.

I can't well express how painful it was to watch him making out with that guy. It was so painful to see that Jack was enjoying it. It broke me to see him smile when he saw my sad expression. He had planned this and he was happy that his plan worked.

And then came the loud noises of pleasure and extasy. Jack knew I could hear everything from my bedroom, but he didn't care. I could hear his loud moans ans groans. It was so painful to hear him being pleasured by some boy who wasn't me. I should have been the one pleasuring him.

When they were finally done, I was a sobbing mess. I was broken, empty. I felt like someone had stabbed me with thousands of tiny knives right in the heart. I felt dead and I didn't want to feel a thing anymore. I needed to do it.

I headed to the bathroom where I broke my promise. It had been years since I last did it, but there was no point to keep that promise anymore. I didn't have anyone to keep that promise for anymore. They were all gone, I had nobody.

I searched for my old friend in my drawer. I had kept it in case of emergencies, but I never had the urges to do it in years. After years of being clean, I relapsed. I had the razor blade in my hand and brought it to my arm, making a small cut. I should have stopped there, but I needed more, way more.

When I was done, both my arms were covered with fresh cuts and blood. Sone were deeper than others, some were longer than others. I couldn't tell how much there were. I just knew that the large amount of cuts was proportionnal to my amount of pain and sadness.

Loser. Ugly. Disgusting. Useless. Worthless. Stupid...good adjectives to qualify the vision I had of myself. I didn't see any good in me. Good people don't deserve to get hurt that much. I realized I must be an horrible person for Jack to hurt me the way he did.

I didn't stop because I knew nobody would be disappointed in me. Nobody cared about me anymore. I knew Jack would be happy. He would see my arms and he would be proud of himself for causing that to the weak and pathetic Alex Gaskarth. I cleaned up the blood the blood that was on the floor along with the one on my arms. They were covered in it.

When I was done, I went in the living room to watch TV. I didn't want to sleep, I was too scared of the nightmares I would have and the voices that would hunt me. One of my favorite movie was playing, but I couldn't find myself enjoying it. Everytime I watched that movie in the past, I would laugh out loud. But there was no point of laughing at the moment. I was lost in my thoughts, I couldn't get Jack out of mind.

Half through the movie, I heard a door opened. The guy Jack brought home got out of Jack's room fully dressed thankfully. I looked at him and wondered what Jack found attractive about him. He was tall, muscular, tanned...everything that I wasn't. No doubt that Jack wanted to have his way with him. He was perfect while I was a total ugly loser.

The guy left our apartment, not even caring to look at me. He got what he wanted and he left. All he wanted from Jack was sex while I wanted everything about Jack. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be his confident. I wanted to hug me, to kiss him. I wanted to fall asleep next to him every night. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted him to be mine while he treated me like a big piece of shit.

When the movie ended, I headed back to my room. I didn't catch any sleep, I didn't want to. It would only make things worst. So I spent the rest of the night, wide awake in bed, having horrible thoughts in my head. They were like awaken nightmares. They wouldn't go away. I stayed in bed until 11AM. I was starving. I knew food would only make me fatter, but who would care if I got fat or not?

I headed to the kitchen where I grabbed a bowl and poured some cereals into it. I sat at the table, eating as fast as I could. It was kind of a difficult thing to do since I was crying. I wasn't ready to face Jack, I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I knew seeing his face would only make things worst. I didn't want to see the proud look on his face.

My hopes died when I heard his door opened. I didn't want to stay there. Just seeing his face made me want to die. So I stood up and went to leave but he was fast to grab my wrist. His touch made me want to die so I pushed him away.

''Please Alex, I just want to talk,'' he asked. He wasn't wearing the proud and happy look I expected to see.

I didn't want to stay, but I knew Jack enough to know that he wouldn't take no for an answer. So I nodded and sat back on my chair, telling him the first words that came to my mind.

''I-I hate you Jack,'' I said. ''I freaking hate you,''

And then the conversation went on. He felt guilty, but he sould have thought about it before. He tried to touch me multiple times, but I wouldn't let him. We were both crying. I didn't understand why he was crying since he was reponsible for all of this. I didn't want to hear his apologizes, I didn't believe a single word of them.

I wanted to punch him when he said that he liked me. You don't go hurt someone like that when you like them. He was a massive liar. What he meant was hate, not like. Because he couldn't like me. Not after what he did.

I saw guilt on his face and I wanted to make him feel guiltier. So I raised my sleeves, revealing my arms covered in fresh cuts.

''A-Alex...W-Why?'' He asked as if he cared. He was the one responsible for this.

''Because I-I lost everything. My family h-hates me. My new friends hate me for what I-I've done to you. Y-you hate me and you ruined me. Everything I once had is g-gone. Y-You were all I had left. I-I trusted you and you broke me. I-I have nothing anymore. I don't want to feel a thing anymore,'' I answered. The words came out so easily.

''I-I'm sorry...'' Jack replied crying. He left the kitchen to lock himself in his room. He left me on my own again, he was getting so good at that.

I was exhausted. I knew I would regret it, but I needed to catch some sleep. I opted for short nap on the couch. I didn't want to be in my room where all my demons were. I needed an open area, I didn't want to feel trapped. I kept crying until I fell asleep.

I can't tell how long I've slept, but I felt a little better when I awoke. I looked around me and there were no signs of Jack. The door to his room was open meaning he wasn't in there. He wasn't in the bathroom or in the kitchen either. He must have had better places to be. He must have left to meet with his friends.

Then, I noticed an unfamiliar piece of paper on the table next to me. I grabbed it and realized it was a letter from Jack, I recognized his horrible hand writting. I knew I would regret reading this letter, but curiosity won over rationnality.

I was a sobbing mess when I ended up reading his letter. I was first angry when I read the first paragraph where he tried to apologize and tell me how much he regret what he did. He still did it. I had enough of his apologies. But the tone of the letter changed after that paragraph.

I was worried sick. Most of all, I was scared. Jack's words scared me. What did he mean when he said that he won't hurt anyone else where he'll be? What did he mean when he said that he'll be gone? What did he mean when he said that he'll be somewhere where I can't find him? Why was he so mysterious?

It then all made sense to me. Suicide. That was a suicide note. Jack wanted to kill himself. I knew he was vulnerable, I shouldn't have tried to make him feel that guilty. I pushed him to the verge of suicide. I didn't know when he left the apartment. Maybe he was already dead. I didn't him want him to be. I hated him, but I still loved him. The last thing I wanted was for him to kill himself. It couldn't be right.

I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. It went straight to his voicemail. He had changed his voicemail message:

Hey you've reached the voicemail of Jack, I can't take your call for the moment, probably never will, so don't bother in leaving a message. If this is Alex, I'm sorry. BEEEP.

I decided to leave a message, I felt like my nerves were about to explode.

''Jack, please pick up. D-Don't do something stupid p-please. P-Please come back home, we can talk about this. Please Jack, don't do this,'' I said.

It probably was too late, but I couldn't give up just then. I needed to find him, and I needed help. So I dialed Rian's number. Maybe he knew where Jack was.

''Alex?''Rian answered.

''R-Rian, I-I need your help. It's J-Jack. I t-think he's g-going to kill himself. We n-need to find him, Rian. P-Please h-help me,'' I replied.

''Okay Alex, calm down. I'm outside our apartment building, meet me as soon as possible. We'll look for him,'' Rian replied calmly.

''Thanks. I'm coming,'' I replied.

I didn't bother changing my dirty clothes, there was no time for that. I grabbed my wallet and rushed to the elevator. I hoped we weren't too late. I hoped Jack wasn't already gone like he said in his letter. I couldn't lose him that way.

Like he promised, Rian was waiting for me. I rushed to him and took him in a hug. I needed comfort. I wasn't okay.

''What happened Alex? Where's Jack?'' Rian asked.

''I don't know. Long story short, we had a fight this morning. I took a small nap and when I woke up, I found a letter that Jack wrote me. It was a suicide note, Rian. Jack wants to die and he might be already dead and it woud be my faut. I tried to call him and he won't pick up. I'm scared Rian, we need to find him,'' I answered.

''Calm down Alex, this isn't your fault. I tried to call Alex as well, and his voicemail sure sounds scary. We'll find him okay? This won't be too late,'' Rian said.

''How are we going to find him? He could be anywhere, Rian. This city is so big!'' I replied.

''We'll go to the police station. We'll tell them the whole story and they might be able to locate Jack's phone. We don't have time to waste, let's go,'' Rian said.

We hopped in the first cab that we spotted and headed to the nearest police station. I was panicking while Rian was too calm. How could he be so calm when one of his friends was about to kill himself if that wasn't already done.?

We arrived to the police station exactly 7 minutes later. While Rian paid the driver, I rushed inside.

''Help me please,'' I begged the lady at the front desk.

''Wait your turn, young man,'' she replied.

''Don't tell me to wait because I won't wait,'' I replied as I handed her Jack's later. ''That's a suicide note my friend left at my house earlier. He wants to kill himself and I can't find him. He won't answer his phone. I need to find him so he doesn't kill himself. So no, I won't wait.''

The woman nodded and grabbed her Woki Toki.

''Agent Perry? We have a code 53. It's an emergency,'' the lady said.

''Coming,'' a man I guessed was Agent Perry replied.

As Rian finally joined me, an officer also joined us.

''I'm Agent Perry, what's the emergency?'' he asked.

So I told him the whole story about how Jack wrote this letter and how he was nowhere to be found. If I had to tell the story one more time, I would have exploded.

''Do you know his phone number? We can try to locate him,'' Agent Perry asked.

''Yes, it's eum, 260-535-7539,'' I answered.

The agent nodded as he entered the number in the system.

''Seems like your friend is at the top of the Hilton building on Main Avenue,'' Agent Perry said.

The Hilton building was the highest building in town meaning that Alex wanted to jump from there.

''Can you take us there, please?'' I pleaded.

''Yes, follow me,'' he replied.

Rian and I followed him to his car. Thankfully, we weren't far away from Main Avenue. I was nervous and scared. It only got worst when we reached the Hilton building. It was crowded and everybody seemed to be panicking. Shit. Maybe Jack already jumped?

I got out of Agent Perry's car and spotted a small silhouette at the top of the building I recognized as Jack's. He was on the verge of the building, he could have jumped at any moment. I didn't waste time, I had to stop him.

Guards tried to stop me from entering the building but I pushed them away. I had a job to do. Jack's destiny was in my own hands. I got into the elevator and pressed the button that would take me to the roof.


	14. Chapter 14

The elevator was as fast as an injured turtle. Those seconds spent in there would have been enough for Jack to jump from the building and crash on the ground. Jack could have killed himself while I was in that elevator. I prayed that he didn't. I didn't want him to die. After all the problems and the drama that happened between us, I still needed him in my life.

Fortunately, when I reached the roof, Jack was still there, standing on the edge. One step and he would have fallen all the way down to meet his death. I couldn't let that happen, I needed to stop it because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself knowing that the cause of Jack's death was our disagreement. I was the reason why Jack wanted to kill himself.

There were all sorts of noises. I could hear people screaming and panicking. I could hear the sound of sirens meaning there were police officers down there. But most of all, I could hear the heartbreaking sound of Jack's desperate sobs.

He was a few feet away from me. I had to be careful so I wouldn't scare him and make him fall. This was a risky situation, but only me could stop him. As I walked closer to him, I could hear him speak, like some sort of prayer. It was a last goodbye he didn't want anybody to hear, he didn't want me to hear it. It only reminded me of his letter, this letter full of desperation, sadness and guilt.

''I-I'm sorry that I hurt you, Alex. I wish I could take away all of the pain I put you through, and the best way to do so if for me to disappear. The best to stop hurting you and other people is to leave this world for a place where monster like me belong. I-I'm going to miss you, Alex. But life will b-be easier without me...So, farewell Alex. Farewell everybody,'' Jack said, withtout noticing me.

''P-Please don't jump, Jack,'' I begged loud enough for him to hear me.

He turned around and seemed surprised to see me there. I couldn't tell if he was happy I was there, I couldnt read his pained expression. The guy in front of me, I didn't know him. I thought I had seen Jack as his lowest when his brother died and when I made the mistake to go back to Zack. But I was wrong. This right there was Jack at his lowest, at the bottom of desperation and misery.

I felt heartbroken and empty. It was a nightmare, this was real. This wasn't supposed to happen. Jack wasn't supposed to be up here. He looked like he went nights without any hour of sleep. He looked depressed, sad. He looked miserable.

''A-Alex?'' Jack wondered sadly. I was wishing he would run to me, take me in his arms, cry in my arms...anything. But he didn't move. He stayed right there at the edge of his death.

''Yes Jack, it's me,'' I answered. ''P-Please don't d-do this.''

''I-I need to, Alex. I-It's for the best. G-Go away, I-I don't want you to see t-this,'' Jack replied.

''It's not for the best J-Jack. Please stay, f-for me. I n-need you,'' I begged sadly.

''S-So I could hurt you even more? So I could cause you even more pain? No, Alex. I-I can't stay. I-I don't derserve to live anymore. I don't deserve to be in the same room as you. I don't deserve to breathe the same air as you. I don't deserve anything. I-I deserve to die. The w-world will be a better place without me,'' Jack replied hysterically.

I wouldn't wish this kind of situation to anyone, not even to my worst ennemy. It's the worst thing that could happen to you, the most painful of all things. Just think about it. Imagine seeing someone you care of threatening to kill himself in front of you, because of you, for you. Imagine seeing the pain and desperation in their face. Imagine how vulnerable and useless you would feel. Imagine that you would be the only one who could stop them. Imagine that you could lose them at any moment. Imagine that this could be the end.

''It w-would hurt me even more if you died, J-Jack. I don't w-want you to d-die. Please, Jack, Please,'' I begged, crying my eyes out.

''N-no, Alex. Y-You don't mean that. Y-You'll be happy once I'm gone. Nobody will hurt you anymore. I won't hurt you anymore,'' Jack replied. ''Please g-go away so I can end it all. You'll g-go back to your normal life. It'll be l-like I've n-never existed.''

''But I mean it. Fuck J-Jack, I-I need you, okay? I freaking need you. I know that you hurt me, like I hurt you. I understand that you can feel guilty. B-but that doesn't mean I want you g-gone. That doesn't mean t-that I don't care about you anymore. I care. I freaking care and I don't hate you. W-We can go through this Jack. We can w-work this out together, one step at a time. I need you to say, for me. When I read your letter, I was afraid that it was already to late, that you were already gone. But you are not, you're still here. I-It doesn't have to end this way. P-Please take my hand and we'll get through this together,'' I begged.  
''What if I hurt you again? What if I make you self-harm again? What if I make your life even more miserable? I-I don't want to hurt you again Alex, I don't want to cause you more pain. I'm doing this because I care about you, because I like you and I'm doing what's b-best for both of us,'' Jack replied.

''I understand, but t-this is wrong J-Jack. If you l-leave this world, it won't be for the b-best because I'll lose someone I c-care of. We had our issues, but we'll g-get through this. We'll fight t-together like warriors. And I can't f-fight on my own. I need you to fight with me, I need you by my side. I just n-need you Jack,'' I said desperately.

''I-I can't Alex. I wish I could but I can't. Not after everything that I've done, I just can't. I don't deserve your forgivness, your attention or your sweet words. I deserve your hate, I deserve your anger. So just give them to me and make this easier f-for everyone,'' Jack replied.

I didn't know what else I could say. I felt like whatever I would say, it wouldn't be enough. I felt like whatever I would say, Jack would end up killing himself. I was scared and at a high level of panic. And then, three littles words flashed into my mind. Three little words that could change everything for the best or for the worst.

Even though the nasty things Jack and I did to each other, I meant those three little words. I couldn't deny how I felt about Jack. I couldn't deny that he was the one person I needed the most. I couldn't deny that he was the one person who made me feel the most incredible things. But he was also the one who made me feel the worst.

But I knew we could work this out if he gave it a chance. I knew things would get better if we gave them a chance to. Those three little words were my one very last hope. This was all or nothing. And I prayed for all.

''I love you,'' I said.

''You w-what?'' Jack wondered sadly.

''I l-love you Jack Barakat. And don't tell me I'm lying. I know how I feel about you, and I l-love you,'' I answered.

''H-How can you love a monster like me?'' he asked sadly.

''You're not a monster, Jack. We've both acted l-like idiots. L-Love can make you do unexplainable things. Love is weird, but it's special. I'm not p-prentending that it's going to b-be easy, but t-thing will get better. T-Things are always b-better when you're with me, I answered.

For minutes, Jack looked from me then to the precipice. He was making his mind. I confused him and it was a good thing. For minutes, he was thinking about what was best for him and for us. He was chosing wheter he should jump and never comer or come to me and live.

For minutes, I was anxious and sad. Jack could have jumped at anytime and I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I was hoping he would realize that suicide wasn't an option and that things could get better. I was hoping that we would pick me over death.

When he finally reached a decision, a mix of emotions raced into my body: stress, sadness, anxiety, but mostly, happiness and reassurance. He decided that life was more worth it than death. He had made the right decision.

He ran to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. He was crying, he was so vulnerable. I caressed his back and hair to comfort him a little. He was safe into my arms. I started crying even more than I already was. But most of all, I was relieved.

''I-I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry. I'm s-sorry that I've let you d-down,'' Jack apologized.

''It's okay Jack, you're okay now. We are g-going to be okay from n-now on,'' I replied.

And we hugged until we were both done crying and shaking. We hugged until we both felt safe enough. We hugged until we knew that we were okay.

''Did you mean it when you said that you loved me?'' Jack asked timidly.

''Yeah I did. And with time, things will be okay and better for us. We have a lot of work to do, but I know we can do it. We're both strong, and we'll be even stronger together,'' I answered.

Jack nodded. He understood what I meant. By saying the three crucial words, that didn't make us a couple. It was a way to give us hope for the future. It was a way to convince ourselves that not everything was ruined and that we would find back happiness.

I lightly pecked Jack's lips. We both needed it. We both needed it as a promise of a new beggining, as a promise that, in the end, we would be fine. And I knew that we would be fine.

''C-Can we go home, please?'' Jack asked weakly.

''Yes,'' I replied.

I grabbed Jack's hand and we got into the elevator. Half an hour before, I was in that same elevator hoping that I would be able to save Jack's life. I was nervous and horrified at the idea that he could be dead. Gladly, I saved him. And by saving him, I saved myself.

When we got outside of the hotel, there were journalists and medias everywhere. Rian was still there and was relieved. He didn't ask questions though, he knew it wasn't the time and palce for that. People were clapping and cheering. I wanted them to leave us alone. I led Jack into the massive crowd of people where people congratulated me and called me a hero. I wasn't a hero, I didn't want to be one.

Jack and I walked back to our apartment building. I didn't question myself wheter I should go back to Rian's place or if I should go back to Jack's and mine. Option two was the right choice, we both needed each other. That's why we fell asleep next to each other, too scared the other one would go away.

That day probably was the most exhausting and horrible day of my life. That day, I almost lost a special someone. That day, I realized that you need to hold to the things you have because you can lose them at anytime. I almost lost Jack that day. I promised myself to hold on to him as long as I could


	15. Chapter 15

Jack's P.O.V.

I was going to do a huge favour to the entire humanity. I was going to disappear and it was going to please everyone. I was just a stupid guy and everyone's life was going to be easier without me. There was nothing special and memorable about me.

I really wanted to die. Never I had wished something as much as that before. I wanted to be gone forever because I could not live with myself and the horrible things I have done. I deserved to go to Hell, I deserved to die. I deserved to go to a place where they would torture the monster that I was.

I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want to be found. I wanted to jump from the building and crash to my death. That is what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to die that day. Alex wasn't supposed to find me and to stop me. He was supposed to hear about my death and go on with his life. I needed to die to protect him from all the pain I could cause him in the future.

But he found me and he actually tried to stop me. That is not what I wanted and planned. I didn't understand why he didn't want me to die after all the pretty horrible things that I've done to him. He was begging me to stay alive. He kept saying that I could not leave him. He kept saying how much he needed me and how he didn't want to lose me. I barely believed him though. Maybe he was going to miss for a few days, but I soon would have been. There was nothing special about me that would have been remembered.

Then, Alex said those three little words. He said those magic words that made me doubt about my whole plan. I thought I was hallucinating, but I was not. Alex told me that he loved me. And I could tell he was speaking the thruth. As I got to know him better, I learned how to tell when he was sincere. And at that moment, he was. He truly loved me and it made me feel special. I didn't deserve his love, but it made me feel better about myself.

I knew that it didn't mean that we could forget about everything that happened in the past few days. We hurt each other and we could barely trust one and other anymore after every bad stuff we botj did. We were fragile and broken. But there was hope that things would get better for us. There was hope for us.

I thought about it. I had two options. I could either do what I had planned from the start. I could just jump and say goobye to pain and drama. Or, I could run into Alex's arms and try to make things better. It took me infinite minutes to reach a decision. I hoped I was taking the right one. I picked life, I picked Alex. It may sound egostical, but I realized that I needed Alex's love. I knew I might hurt him all over again, but I craved for his love. I was going to do my best not to cause him anymore pain.

In the end, I was happy that Alex found me and saved me. He stopped me from doing a huge and horrible mistake, a mistake that would have been my very last one. He still cared about me and still wanted me in life even though I was a monster who did nasty things. I didn't deserve his caring and his attention, but I was going to do everything in my power to show him my gratitude.

When we fell asleep next to each other, it remembered me of how things used to me. It reminded me that things used to be so perfect and that they weren't anymore. It reminded me of us when we were happy and carefree. I missed that time empty of drama. I wasn't going to give up. I hoped that Alex and I could go back to where we used to be. With time and work, nothing was impossible.

When we woke the next morning, it was a little akward. We barely talked, but at least we weren't avoiding each other anymore. We could be in the same room and it was okay. Though, I knew we needed to talk. We had to make the point on everything that happened once and for all. That was necessary to help Alex and I move on, for good.

"I-I think we should talk about eum, you know, everything..." I proposed.

Alex nodded and we sat by side on the couch, keeping a little distance. I was nervous and I could read in Alex's eyes that he was too, probably more than I was.

"Want to go first?" He asked.

"Eum yeah sure," I replied nervously.

I waited a few seconds before saying what I had to say. I remained calm, there was no place for arguing. This talk was meant to make things better, not worst.

"So eum, I was really hurt when you picked Zack over me because you meant a lot to me and I thought you did to. You told me such beautiful things and it was like you didn't mean them. You still mean a lot to me though... But yeah, I was very sad and then, you realized you picked the wrong guy and I felt like a second choice and that idea disgusted me. And then, I did a stupid thing. I was so mad that I was the only who actually suffered. I wanted to hurt you and I know that's pretty horrible. I am not putting the blame on alcohol. I am responsible for what I have done. I was so drunk, and it didn't help me to think rationnaly. And yeah... You know the rest of the whole story, so I'm not going to talk about the details...I'm truly sorry, Alex. What I did was unacceptable. I acted like a stupid jerk. God, I caused you so much pain and I'll never be able to forgive myself. When I saw your arms covered in fresh cuts, my heart broke into thousands of pieced. That's why I wanted to die...I couldn't live with the thought that what I did made you do this...And then you found me and tried to stop and I still can't understand why...that's much it I think. I'm just so sorry," I said.

"Well it's my turn to speak now," Alex replied calmy. "I did choose Zack over you and that was a stupid mistake from me. I had that fake conception that first loves should last forever. I thought thst Zack and I were meant to be together forever. I realized that I was wrong when I saw you cry and hurt... I realized that I wanted to be with you, not with Zack. Believe me when I say I meant every single things that I told you. When you said that you wanted yo ask me to be your boyfriend, I felt horrible because that's what I really wanted and I messed up. But I had faith that it could work out after all. But then, you did what you did and I felt like absolute shit. What you did was terrible, Jack. It broke me... But I don't want you to feel like you're the only one who led me to self-harm. I had many issues in the past and that was just what broke the camel's back. I thought I hated you, but then I found your letter and I realized that I could never hate you. I hated what you did, not you. I was scared Jack. I was so scared that you were already gone and I'm so thankful that I found you and that you're by my side right now. I'm also very sorry Jack. How I wish none of this had happened..."

When he was done speaking with his heart, we were both crying lighly. We had been hurt very bad, but after that talk, we both felt a little better. Most of all, we knew that for now on, we were going to be fine. Everything that had to be said was said and we were never going to talk about it ever again. We were going to leave the past in the past, where it belonged.

Alex took me in his arms and hugged me tightly. I felt safe in arms, I always did. It felt right, this was how things needed to be.

"We will be okay, right?" I wondered.

"We will, I know we will. Time will work his magic and things will get much better," Alex replied.

I hoped he was right. I couldn't lose him, I needed him. After everything we went through, I couldn't let Alex run away from me. I still had one question in mind, something I could not stop thinking about.

"Hey Alex?" I asked.

"Yeah Jack? Alex replied.

"Did you mean when you told me that you loved me when we were on that roof?" I wondered.

"Yes, I did mean it. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you though, and I can tell that you feel the same way. But yes, I do love you Jack, and I'll love you even more with time. Things will be for the best," He answered.

"Yes, they will," I replied smiling.

I didn't tell him that I loved him back. I did love him too, but I didn't want to tell him . I wanted to wait for the right time and place to tell him. When would be the right time? I couldn't tell. Maybe it would be in a week, a month, even a year. I didn't know. But when the right moment would show up, I would just feel it.

Alex and I spent the rest of day hanging out in our apartment watching some series and talking about some random stuff like we used tondo before. Life was slowly going back to normal. We would get back to our old habits with time. We were going to be okay.


	16. Chapter 16

A month passed since my big discussion with Alex and things were going for the best. The first few days were the most difficult and akward. But time passed and the akwardness faded away. Alex and I still weren't back togehter and we were both okay about it. We were learning to trust each other again a little more every day and we were slowly becoming closer and closer. We both knew that we both in love with each other and we worked hard to make things better. Things were going back to how they used to be.

Most nights, we slept in our seperate rooms because Alex and I, well mostly Alex, both felt like it was more appropriate in our situation. There still were some nights where we fell asleep in each other's bed. Those were my favorite nights and I knew that one day, all of them would be this way. Alex and I were doing our best to forget about our past. And we did pretty good. None of the event that happened in the past was brought back on the table after we had our long conversation about it. None of us forgot about it, but we learned to forgive and that was all that mattered.

At school, we were acting friendly. Our friends noticed there was some tension between us two but they were nice enough not to bring it up. It was easy to notice the tension. Alex and I didn't act the same way as before. There were days were our eyes would be fixed on each other durng the entire lunch break while there were days where we pratically didn't look at each other. It was weird, but it was understandable. Alex and I still had classes together. We would sit next to each other and make jokes about our teachers, just like we used to. We were pretty immature for University students, but it made our charms.

Alex and I spent most of our free time together. That was a good way to go back to the boys we used to be. The more time we spent together, the more we were starting to feel comfortable and okay around each other. In this whole story, I think Alex was the one who hurt the most. As for me, I moved on rapidly. I was feeling good about the whole thing two weeks after we talked. If it had just been for me, Alex would have been my boyfriend by then. But I could not say the same about Alex, so I respected him and his will to take his time.

There were days where I felt like giving up on us, where I felt like Alex and I trying to get back together was a lost and desperate cause. But I could not give up just yet, I could not. I loved Alex too much to do such a thing. We needed to fight until we reached our goal, our victory. Wheter it would take another month or a year, I was going to wait for Alex to be ready. Because I loved him and because he meant so much to me. I hoped that he would give me the chance to show him.

At the moment, I was with Rian working on an essay. Rian and I weren't as closed as we used to be. I was a little disappointed in him. I thought that Rian would be happy for Alex and I, I thought he would be happy to know that things were going for the best. After the whole incident where I tried to kill myself, Rian didn't stop telling me how me and Alex should not be together, that we weren't good for each other. He freaked out when he learned that we still both loved each other. He said that our love was like a war, that it would destroy us. I knew he was just trying to protect us, but I wished he would have understood it from my point of view.

''Things seem to be so much better with Alex now,'' I mentionned.

''You know what I think about this whole Alex and you thing, Jack. I'm not very pleased about that,'' Rian replied.

''I know you told me before. But you never gave me a good reason for being against it all, care to tell me?'' I asked a little harshly.

''You almost killed yourself because of the drama between you too. You both kept causing each other pain to the point where Alex self-harmed and you wanted to jump from the top of the Hilton building. What's going to come next? Murder? And...''Rian said without finish his sentence. What was he hidding?

''And...?'' I wondered.

''I like you okay? When Alex told me you were going to kill yourself, I felt my heart flunk. I was so afraid to lose you and I realized that I cared about you more than I thought,'' Rian answered.

So Rian was acting like a total jerk because he liked me and probably was jealous. I couldn't believe it.

''Wait. You're straight Ri, you have a girlfriend,'' I pointed out.

''First, I'm bisexual. And yeah, I have a girlfriend, but I care more about you than I actually care about her,'' Rian replied.

''But I love Alex, Rian. You love Cass, you are meant to be with her,'' I said.

''Stop with your ''I love Alex'' thing. He only caused you pain. I would never do that to you, because I really care about you, unlike Alex. You would be so much happier with me. I don't care about Cass. I'll dumb her for you,'' Rian said.

''No Rian, you are not going to break up with her because we are never going to be together. You're a friend to me, nothing more. Please respect that I love Alex,'' I replied harshly.

But Rian would not take no as an answer. He planted his lips on mine , and it felt so wrong. I was shocked. Rian was kissing me, I didn't want him to kiss me. The only lips I wanted on mine were Alex's. When I came back to my senses, I pushed Rian away.

''No freaking means no, Rian. Fuck. I don't like you like that, I'm sorry. Finish your part and I'll finish mine. I don't want to be anywhere near you. I'm going to go now, stay away from me,'' I said before standing from my chair and leaving the small coffee shop we were at.

I was beyond mad. I felt like punching someone. I was so mad at Rian. Who did he think he was to kiss me like that after I clearly told him that I loved Alex, not him? Did he really think that he could change my mind just by kissing me? He did change my mind on one aspect. He wasn't a friend anymore because friends aren't supposed to go against the other's will.

Even though it was Saturday, I headed to my University's library to finish my part of the essay. We were doing an essay on how music evolved since the beginning of the 20th century. It was an interesting subject so I didn't mind doing half of it on my own. It was better than being around the stupid and arrogant guy that is Rian.

Three hours later, I was done and very proud of my work. I was very confident and knew that I would get a good grade since Rian was also a pretty good student. I sent my part to my partner and turned off the computer I was using.

Talking about Rian, I had four messages from him and two misses calls. I read the first two messages that he sent me and didn't bother in reading the other two.

From Rian: I'm sorry Jack, I just very like you.

From Rian: Please forgive me Jack. I'm sorry that I kissed you. Please, can we still be friends?

I didn't answer him. If I had, I knew the message would have been full on insults. I never enjoyed being mean to people unless they really got on my last nerve...and Rian reached that point. So instead of doing something I would regret, I turned off my phone and headed home. Alex and I were going to have a movie night. We did this quite often. We would just select a random movie on Netflix and watch it. There were times where the movie was brillant and great while there were times where the movie was so boring that we felt asleep while watching it.

When I got home, Rian was unfortunately standing there, outside of the building. That was just luck.

''Please, Jack...don't ignore me,'' Rian begged.

''I'm just so mad, Rian. I told you no and you acted like an egostical jerk,'' I replied.

''I know and I'm sorry okay? It wasn't fair from me...my feelings just won over rationality. I know I shouldn't have kissed, it was fair and okay. I'm just jealous that Alex owns your heart after all the bad stuff that happened between you too. But I'll have to accept it and push my feelings for you away...'' Rian said nervously.

''It wasn't fair for me and for Cass. You cheated on her, Ri. You've been together for so long. But yeah, I guess I can forgive you. Just never do anything like that to me ever again or I won't hesitate in telling Cass, okay?'' I replied.

''Yeah, about that...she already knows. I didn't feel great about hidding this to her so I told her the truth and she broke up with me. But thanks for forgiving me Jack, I'll be good from now on , I promise,'' Rian mentionned.

''I guess you kind of deserve it...but call me if you need anything. I'll see you later Ri,'' I said.

''Sure, thanks Jack. See you around,'' Rian replied.

We both walked our seperate ways; him going back into town and me heading to my apartment. This whole thing made me realize even more that Alex's the one I wanted to be with. It gave the courage to speak to him and see where we were now standing, because we didn't really talk about it.

As I was in the elevator, I though about how I was going to bring the subject on the table. I was wondering if I should just tell him that I felt ready to be in a relationship with him and see if he felt the same. Or, I could just try to kiss him and see where it would lead to. The more I thought about it, option two seemed to be the best. I thought it would less pressure him, and most of all...I really wanted to kiss him after all those weeks where I couldn't.

That was it. I was going to enter in our apartment and find Alex sitting on the couch. I would sit next to him and grab his face in my hands and kiss him tenderly in the hopes that he would kiss me back. That was my plan, and I hoped it would work.

It was supposed to be us from the start, but life got in the way. But we were stronger than life, we were going to show her that we weren't going to let her dominate us. That was what was going to happen.

But when I opened the door to our apartment, Alex wasn't sitting on the couch. He was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs. He was tied up to it and was passed out. I started to cry, not understanding a single thing about what was happening right now. Who did this to Alex? Who wanted to hurt him?

''I'm glad you decided to join the fun, Jack,'' a familiar voice said.

That was the last thing I heard before I felt a sharp pain at the back of my head and everything went black.


	17. Chapter 17

When I regained consciousness, my head was hurting like crazy. The last thing I could remember was opening the door and finind Alex tied to a chair, unconscious...and then nothing. I was going to kiss Alex in the hopes that we were goint to get back together for good. But instead, I came in the apartment and head a familiar voice before I was hit behind the head.

I opened my eyes and saw that Alex was sat in front of me. He also regained consciousness, but he was still tied up to the chair, with a tape on his mouth, preventing him from talking. I was in the exact same situation. My arms were tied behid my back, behind the chair. My legs were tied to the chairs legs. It hurt and I had no idea about whatever was happening to us.

I tried to scream, but it was no use since I also had a big piece of tape on my mouth. I just wanted Alex to be okay, I didn't want him to hurt. He was looking at me sadly, with a large amount of guilt in his eyes. I just wanted to understand what was happening to us.

''Finally, you're both awake,'' a familiar voice said.

I turned around and I could not believe who was standing in front of us. It was none other than Zack, Alex's ex boyfriend. That is why his voice sounded so familiar to me. What did he want from us? Why was he in our apartment? And mostly, why was he trying to hurt us?

''Oh yeah, you can't answer with that tape on your pretty little mouths,'' Zack said in a sinister tone.

He walked towards us before he harshly took up the pieces of tape on our mouths. It hurt like hell. I did not like Zack in the first place, but never would I have thought that it could be that crazy. I was trying to understand why he wanted to mess with us. I was scared, but most of all, I was pissed off.

''What the hell Zack? What's your freaking problem? You don't go and tie us to chairs like that, you just don't. Have you gone crazy?'' I yelled.

''Who said you could talk dear Jack?'' Zack replied. ''I'm going to do the talking and you both are going to remain quiet until this is all over. Or I won't hesitate in using on of those.''

I simply nodded, not wanting to piss him off even more. In one hand, Zack had a gun. In the other, he has a long sharpen knife. I was scared. I didn't care if he was going to hurt me, but I didn't want him to hurt Alex. I didn't want him to touch a single hair of his. Zack was out to kill one of us,maybe both of us.

''So, where should I start? I'll start with you, Jack. I hate you. And you know why? Because you stole Alex from me. It was supposed to be me and him forever, but then you had to come around and mess everything up. If you didn't have move here, I wouldn't have argue with Alex and I wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place. And then, I realized that I did a pretty big mistake by letting the love of my life go away from me. So I went back to Alex and begged him to take me back. He said yes, until he realized that he had stupid feelings for you and he wanted to be with you. I don't understand why though, you're such a freaking loser while I'm fantastic. So yeah, you ruined everything Jack, I hate you,'' Zack hatefully explained.

''Don't talk to him like that, it isn't Jack's fault,'' Alex spoke.

''Well, well. I thought that the cat got your tongue,'' Zack replied. ''Let's talk about you now Alex, shall we? You're a piece of shit. We used to be so happy together, we were the perfect couple. It was supposed to last forever. And yeah, I made a mistake by breaking up with you. But you, you're the lowest of them all. In a small amount of time, you fell for someone else. You fell for the loser that is Jack. But that I didn't know. I was so happy when you took me back, Alex. That is how things were supposed to be. But then, you did the stupid thing to break up with me again, the day after. You realized that you didn't love me anymore, that you loved Jack. You freaking broke me, Alex. And I hate you so much. I hate that you made me believe that this could work. I hate everything about you.''

So that was it. This was some kind of a jealousy crisis in a whole new kind of crazy. He was mad that I stole Alex from him. I hate the word stole. It sounds like Alex was an object when he wasn't. Zack hated us for being together. He wanted to be with Alex, and he couldn't. He was mad at Alex because he made him believe that they were forever. Zack was out to seperate us, he didn't love us being together.

''Okay. Yeah, that is sad for you that Alex picked me over you, but it's time to move on. You'll find someone else, love doesn't always last forever. I don't understand why you're doing this, it's crazy,'' I said.

''Are you calling me crazy?'' Zack yelled. ''I'm not freaking crazy okay? I'm just a guy madly in love with Alex Gaskarth. I'm a guy who wants to spent the rest of my life with him, but I can't. And if I can't have him, nobody will.''

Alex was scared, he knew he was in danger. He tried to move and get out of his chair, but it was no use. The ropes were way to tight. This was a complete nightmare. You would think that those scenes only happened in movies, but it turned out that they could be real. This wasn't supposed to happen, nothing went like it was supposed to.

''If you dare touch a single hair from Alex's head, I'm going to-'' I said but was cut off by the psycho.

''You're going to what? You can't move from this chair, so all you're going to do is watch me hurt your precious little Alex. You're going to suffer just the way I did when I lost him to you,'' Zack replied.

I tried to stop him, but it was too late. Zack took his knife and cut Alex's left arm. A big quantity of blood was coming out from it. Zack was going to kill Alex in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried my hardest to free myself from the ropes, but I failed.

Alex's desperates yells of suffering filled up the room. It was heartbreaking to see him cry like that while Zack was taking a dirty pleasure in hurting him. He did multiple deep cuts on both of Alex's arms. They were deep enough to kill him, he could lose all of his blood. If he didn't go to an hospital anytime soon, he would die. It would be the end of him, and me.

''Stooooop please Z-Zack,'' Alex pleaded sadly. ''I-I'm sorry okay? I'm freaking sorry. P-Please don't do this, l-let us go.''

''So you can both go back to your happy little lives? Yeah, I don't think so, Alex,'' Zack replied laughing.

''You know that if you kill him, I'm going to report you to the police, right?'' I said nervously.

''Oh dear Jack, that's where you're wrong. I'm also going to kill you. Because I hate you both and my life will be better once you are both gone, forever,'' Zack replied.

This was going to be the end of us. Alex and I weren't going to get back together. We weren't going to grow old together and have a beautiful future. We weren't going to realize our dreams. We were going to die to soon because of love. This love was just a war, and we lost.

''I'm so sorry, J-Jack,'' Alex said sadly.

''This is not your fault, Alex,'' I replied.

''Will you two just shut up?'' Zack said angrily. ''I said no talking. I need to think and your little love talk is disturbing me, so keep your little mouths closed.''

Alex and I listened to his orders. As Zack was pacing all around the apartment, Alex and I were both looking at each other, both afraid to lose each other. Alex was in pain, I felt my heart break watching his poor arms. He didn't deserve this, he didn't freaking deserve to die because of a young love story.

''Okay. Here's the plan. Since I also want you to suffer Alex, I'm going to kill Jack first. I'm going to shot him right in the heart and he'll be gone. And then, I'll end you. Isn't it a perfect plan?'' Zack asked.

"No it's not," Alex said sadly. "Please Z-Zack let us go."

"No, it's not going to happen. But since I'm feeling a little bit nice, I'm going to let you two say your farewells. You have five minutes," Zack replied.

How nice of him. All I had was five minutes to say goodbye to the person I loved the most. I had five minutes before I would never Alex Gaskarth ever again. I only had five minutes left on Earth. And I was glad that I would spend them with Alex. I wished he could live. I wished I could live. But destiny decided otherwise.

''I'm so sorry about this, Jack. This all my f-fault. How I wished you didn't come back tonight, how I wished you would have stay wherever you were. You wouldn't be so closed to death. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to live old and have a beautiful life, and you won't have it because of my mistakes. I'm s-sorry, Jack. I wish we'll find each other on the other side. Know that you're the person I love the most on Earth. After all the drama, I still love you as much. And I'm happy to die knowing that you're my boyfriend. I love you, Jack Barakat,'' Alex said sadly.

''Please don't blame yourself, Lex. Please don't. This is not our fault, we are the victims in this whole nightmare. How I wished I could have come home closer and protect you, save you. I wish things could be different, I wish you could live, Alex. I wish you could have the life you deserve. But, even though we die, we'll always have each other. I love you too, Alex Gaskarth. You made me live the most incredible things. You mean so much to me, I can't put into words how much I care about you. And I'm happy to die knowing that you're mine. I'm yours,'' I replied.

That was it. That was the end. How I wished I could have hugged him one last time. How I craved to feel his lips on mine just one last time. But it was too much to ask. Alex was getting weaker and weaker, losing more blood every second.

I came to Los Angeles in the hopes of starting a new life, take a new beginning. I was craving for something new, and I found it. Alex was what, or should I say who, I was seaching for. He was my new beginning, my new life. All good things must have an end.

''Now that you're done with all this lovers' bullshit, let's proceed,'' Zack said happily.

As Alex was almost out of his blood, Zack pointed his gun in my direction. He was heading for the heart. This was the end of me, I was going to die and there was no going back. I wished I could have died in under circumstances, but at least I was going to die knowing Alex loved me, that he was my boyfriend. A loud noise was heard. Someone was shot, someone was dead.


	18. Chapter 18

There was blood all over the floor. I couldn't believe that the night ended with someone being shot, with someone being murdered. A young boy died in my apartment that night. It was just like the dramatic scenes that you can see in movies or TV show. The only difference was that someone really died and they were not coming back.

Zack fell to the floor, he was shot right in the head and died on the spot. Someone shot him, someone saved both Alex and I. I turned around and saw Rian standing there, with a gun in his hand. He killed Zack. That made him a murderer, but I could not care less because he saved my life and Alex's. Two minutes later and we would have both been dead.

''Oh my god, Rian!'' I yelled.

''I heard screams coming from your apartment and like, I heard that guy saying he was going to kill you both. I could not let that happen. So, yeah. I went to my own place and grabbed my gun,'' Rian replied.

''You killed him Ri, oh my god, you might go to jail,'' I said.

''I wasn't supposed to kill him Jack. I-I just wanted to scare him and make him drop the gun. But then, I saw him aiming his gun at you. He was about t-to kill you both, and I could not let that happen. I would rather go to j-jail than letting you die and knowing that I could have stopped it,'' Rian mentionned.

That was such courageous from him. Right there, he showed me how he truly cared about me, and that he did really love me. He put himself in trouble just to save my life and Alex's. He didn't have to do that for us, but he did. I knew that I would never be able to thank him enough for what he did. What he did was beyond all the things friends would do for each other.

Alex didn't speak a word. I guessed he was to speechless. Who wouldn't be? We were almost killed on the spot and someone saved the day. Saving the day did imply killing someone, but at least we were safe.

''We're going to be okay, Alex. We are safe now,'' I said as I faced myself back to him.

He didn't reply. He wasn't even moving. For a second, I forgot that he was hurt and that he was emptying himself from his blood.

''Alex?'' I said nervously.

Still no answer. I checked for his pulse and it was very very low. He was still alive, but he didn't have much time. There wasn't a minute to waste. This was his chance to make it, Rian made it possible. I wasn't going to let Alex die. There was no way I was going to let life take him away from me. Not anymore.

''Ri, call 911! Alex needs help,'' I yelled.

But Rian didn't move. He didn't listen to me. Why wasn't he listening to me? Was he also a jealous maniac? Did he want me all for himself and was going to let Alex die so he would be out of his way? But then, I realized it wasn't it. It was bigger than that.

We were on a crime scene. Someone was dead. Someone was a murderer. One person was heavily hurt. Zack was the bad guy in this completely crazy story. He was the one who was going to kill us. He was the one who hurt Alex. But, he wasn't the one who killed someone, in the end. Rian was. I could see in his eyes that he was scared about whatever was going to happen to him. He didn't deserve to go to jail, but the possibilities he would were still there.

''Please Rian, I-I know you're scared...but you can't let Alex die. Please call 911, please Ri. We won't let you go to jail, I promise. We'll tell the whole story on how Zack was about to kill us and how you came in just in time to stop him. And you, you'll say that you weren't aiming for his head, that you were aiming for his shoulder or something like. We'll figure out something Rian, I promise. But for now, we need to save Alex. So please, call 911,'' I begged.

Rian was crying. But he listened to me. He grabbed his phone and dialed 911. They sent an ambulance and they said it should get to us rapidly. Rian untied both Alex and I. Alex was very weak, he was so closed to death. I was scared that I was going to lose him. I didn't want him to die. He couldn't die, he just couldn't.

''Please stay with me, Alex,'' I whispered as I held him close to me.

A few minutes later, the paramedics finally showed up along with some police officers. The paramedics grabbed Alex and put him on a stretcher. Other paramedics put Zack's dead body in this thing and left with it, without speaking a word. The ones who took care of my Alex were about to leave without me so I followed them but they pushed me back in my apartment.

''Please, please let me go, I-I need to go,'' I begged.

''I'm afraid we can't. Police is here get your statement. You'll be allowded to show up the hospital if the officers want you to,'' they replied harshly as the kept walking, taking Alex away from me.

That was maybe the last time that I was going to see Alex alive. I needed to be there for him, it was supposed to be us until the end. I needed to be by his side, they could not just take him away from me like that. A part of me did not want to obey and just wanted to run to the hospital and be with Alex. They could not just seperate us after all the mess that we have been through. It was not human from them to refrain me from going to the hospital with them.

But, another part of knew I could not because there was some police officers in my place that needed to ask me some questions. I would have been in major trouble if I had ran away from them. I just needed to tell them my statement. I did nothing wrong in this whole story, I was a victim. They would not have any other choice than letting me go to Alex.

I went back into my apartment, as anxious as can be. Rian was handcuffed and they did the same to me. Weren't they supposed to simply ask us questions and let us go? What was that for?

''Wait, why are you arresting us?'' I asked nervously.

''Procedure. We're taking you both to the station to ask you some questions about what happened in here. You may remain silent,'' one of the officers spoke.

The police officers led us outside of the apartment then all the way outside of the whole building. There were two police cars outside and people walking around were looking at us if we both were aliens or zombies. I guess that was a normal reaction. I would have had the same one if I had seen two young boys getting arrested in the middle of the afternoon.

Rian and I were seperated from each other since we weren't in the same car. They didn't want us to talk to each other and plan what we were going to say in our statement. I wondered what Rian was going to tell them. Was he going to tell the whole truth? Knowing him, he probably was going to. He is unable to lie. I hoped that the officers would understand the whole situation and not punish him for what he did. To me, he was a hero, not a criminal.

It was crazy to be in that car, on my way to the police station. Never in my life would have I thought that I was going to sit at the back of a police car one day. The good boy I was wasn't supposed to ever get arrested. But I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. I was nervous, but I knew I would not get any consequences. I was going to be okay. I was not the bad guy, I was just a victim. Victims don't get into trouble.

When we got to the station, I was led to a big room while Rian was led to another one. They were going to question us at the same time, in seperate rooms. I sat on a chair in front of this big desk, waiting for someone to come in and do his jobs. I just wanted it to be done already so I could run to the hospital and be Alex. I didn't have a single clue if he was okay and it was eating me alive, to the bones.

Five minutes later, a man finally came into the room. He didn't have any hair and he seemed pretty young if I'm being honest.

''Hello, I'm Officer Elmakias,'' He said as he sat in the chair in front of me, on the other side of the desk.

''Hi,'' I replied nervously.

''So...care to explain everything that happened today in details? It will make all of this easier if you do collaborate,'' Officer Elmakias explained.

I took a deep breath. I only had one chance to speak the truth, I could not mess it up.

''Okay. So eum, I was coming back home and when I opened the door, I saw Alex, my boyfriend, being all tied up to one of the kitchen chairs. And then, I felt a sharp pain at the back of my hand. I guess I lost consciousness because when I came back to my senses, I was also all tied up to another chair. The guy that did this to us was Zachary Merrick, Alex's ex,'' I said.

''Okay, what happened afterwards, Jack?'' Offcier Elmakias asked.

''Right, so eum. Zack and Alex used to date before I even met Alex. But they broke up soon after. And like, Alex and I fell for each other. But then Zack came back and tried to get Alex back, and he did. Then, Alex realized he made a mistake by going to Zack instead of me. So he dumped him and came back to me. It's kind of complicated but here's the important details. The reason Zack attacked us today is because he was jealous and mad. He was mad at me because I stole the love his life and he was mad at Alex because he broke his heart. Zack said that since he could not have Alex, nobody was going to. He also said that he was going to kill me as well. I thought he was joking but when he cut Alex's arms with this knife, I realized he wasn't,'' I continued.

''So, Alex and you are together and Zack wasn't happy about that?'' Officer Elmakias wondered.

''Long story short, yes. So, like I was saying, Zack cut Alex's arms and lot of blood was coming out of them. We tried to calm him down but Zack would not listen. He was too pissed off and full of hate. Zack also told us that we was going to kill us with his gun, me being the first one to die. He then gave Alex and I five minutes to say farewell. After that, Zack pointed his gun at me, aiming for the heart. I thought that was it. A loud gunshot was heard, but it wasn't from Zack's...,'' I replied.

''Who was it from, Jack? You need to tell me the truth. Lying to me could get you in major trouble,'' he said.

''Okay. It was Rian's, the other guy you arrested. He heard us yelling from the room and he also caught Zack threatening Alex and I. So Rian went to his room and grabbed his gun. He-He want to protect us. He didn't mean to kill Zack, but when he entered our apartment and saw that Zack's gun was aimed at me...he shot. And Zack died on the spot. And then, we called 911 because my boyfriend was unconscious because of the big quantity of blood he lost. That's it,'' I explained.

Officer Elmakias kept taking some notes before leaving the room, once again leaving me on my own. I could not stop thinking about Alex and how I wanted to know if he was okay. It was pure torture to be in this place while I didn't know if he even was alive. I hoped that Officer Elmakias would let me go, he had to. I couldn't stay in there any longer, not with Alex being away from me. he finally came back five minutes later.

''Your story seems to match Rian's one, you're free to go,'' he said.

''What is going to happen to Rian?'' I asked.

''I'm not in the right to tell you,'' he replied. ''Now leave. Go find your boyfriend.''

''Thanks,'' I said.

I didn't need to be told twice. I ran to the exit and made my way to the hospital. I had no time to waste to call myself a cab, so I simply ran. The hospital wasn't far away from the station so it was fine to me. As I ran, I tried to remain positive, telling myself that Alex was going to be okay, that he was going to live. But part of me could not help but being all negative and thinking about the worst.

I reached the hospital after a 10 minute run. I was exhausted but I didn't have time to catch my breath. Alex was waiting for me. I went to the administration desk and asked where I could find him. She gave me some instructions and I made my way to the emergency department of the hospital. I have always hated hospital, and it had not changed.

When I reached the department, I went to the secretary's desk in the hopes that she could give me some news about the love of my life. But she couldn't. Even if she had wanted to, she didn't have that kind of information and wasn't allowd to. She told me to wait in the waiting room and that she would send a doctor as soon as possible. Knowing perfectly how the hospital system woked, I knew that soon would mean waiting for more than an hour. I didn't want to wait, I needed answers at that very specific moment.

So I sat in the waiting room and waited, and waited, and waited. Multiple doctors showed up in the room, but it never was one to give me answers. So I kept waiting, being anxious and depressed. They were horrible to make me wait that long. They had no right to do that. 55 minutes and 45 seconds later, another doctor showed up. I hoped that one was there for me.

''Anybody for Gaskarth?'' he asked.

''Yes!'' I answered as I stood up from my chair and walked to him. That was it, the moment of truth.

''Hi, I'm Dr.Sykes. I'm here to give you news on Alex Gaskarth. How are you related to him?'' he replied.

''I'm his boyfriend,'' I said nervously.

''Sure,'' Dr. Sykes said.

He told me everything about Alex's state and what they did to him. And when he was done talking and filling me up on everything, I collapsed to the ground, crying. The truth was spoken.


	19. Chapter 19

**4 years later**

There are times in your life where you think that life can't get in your way anymore. You believe that you finally found your happiness, your little paradise.You believe that this how things are emant to be. You hope that things will stay the way they are, that life will finally give you a break. That was my philosophy when Alex and I were getting closer. I found happiness in his person, in his presence. Being around him and just hanging out with him was where I could find my little paradise, my only retreat. It just felt so right and made me believe that things could not change, that they would stay just the way they were. I thought that that Alex and I would be happy together forever, that life finally gave us a chance to breathe and live. I believed that life would just let us alone once and for all.

But I was naive to believe that life would not try to seperate Alex and I. Because life never is easy. Things kept getting in the way of our happiness. Things kept trying to seperate us, they kept trying to ruin our paradise. Jealous exes, stupid actions, mistakes, fear...all those things only had one goal: to break us up. It's like they believed that Alex and I did not deserve to be happy. It's like they believed that we only deserved drama, sadness and pain. And they did their job right. Our paradise quicly faded away, taking away with them our happiness, our faith...they basically took everything away from us. They turned us into humans who only existed. We did not live anymore, we only tried to survive.

It went to the point where life was going to take Alex away from me, forever. It went to the point where the angels were pratically calling him back to them. I thought he was gone forever and that life had finally win...and that Alex and I lost the battle. Life had finally reached his goal to ruin us, to break us up. And it did it big time. But this was not what happened. It went for the best When the doctor told me that Alex would be okay, all of my nerves broke down. Tears of joy mixed with tears of sadness. My Alex was going to survive. After everything that we have been through, we both made it in the end. After every single obstacles and mountains, we finally won. And we never were going to give life another chance to mess with us. We were done with that, we were done with people trying to ruin us. From then, it only was Alex and me. And it was going to stay the same until the end.

As I watched my boyfriend, or should I say husband, getting changed before we had to get to our incredible job, I felt the same butterflies that I felt the first time that I ever laid my eyes on him. It's like I was falling in love with Alex all over again. He was so beautiful, so perfect. And he was all mine. And he always was going to be. Forever and always, that was how things were supposed to be from the start and that was how they were going to be in the end. And I thought back to other events that brought us to where we finally were today.

When Alex got out of this hospital after the whole incident with Zack, things were okay. We had a hard time to move on from what happened to us. We still were afraid that someone would tried to hurt us. We were afraid that there was more drama to come. But most of all, we realized that we could not live with each other. Alex finally was my boyfriend. We were stronger together, we were madly in love with each other and we were going to help each other to get better.

As for Rian, he did not have the same luck as us. The system being an unfair one; he pleaded guilty to unpremeditated murder and was going to spend the next 25 years of his life in a cell. He did not belong there. He was a hero, not a criminal. He defended himself the best way possible saying it ws to protect two persons that were in danger, that he shot in a situation of self-defense. But they would not hear it. So he was sent to a jail in San Diego where he was going to live with people who actually deserved to be there while he only deserved a trophy and hug for his courage and gesture. That was so unfair.

A few months later, I asked Alex to marry me. Hearing him say yes made me the proudest and happiest boy in the entire universe. Alex Gaskarth was going to be my husband. You would say that it was kind of quick, but I just knew that he was the love of my life and I wanted the world to know. I wanted the world to know that he was mine and that I was his. I wanted to show him the infinite love that I had for him. Our relationship was absolutely perfect. We forgot about our dramatic pass and found our paradise in each other's arms. We finally found what we have been looking for. And we never were going to let it go.

We got married a few months later and it was the best day of my life. I should have been nervous, but I was not. I just felt peaceful and calm. We were surronded by a few friends and my family. Alex tried to invite his family to what was going to be the most important day of his life, but they refused. I wished they could have been there to see their son finally be happy. I wanted his family to be as proud of him as I was. I wished that Rian could have been there too. If it was not for him, none of this would have happened. Alex and I would have both been dead. There would not have been any wedding, just infinite nil.

I can still remember what I said in my vows. I promised Alex to always be there for him in his ups and his downs. I promised to protect him from the pain and sadness. I promised to always love him as much as I ever could, to make sure he always was going to be happy. I promised to always support him in his desions and to encourage him to follow his dreams. Finally, I promised him to give him my infinite love, always and forever. And I was going to keep every single one of those promises because Alex deserved what was best. Alex deserved to be treated like a prince, like an angel.

Alex and I kept studying to get our Musical degree. We were not very motivated. We did not want to be there. It was weird to have my classes without Rian, I was really missing him and I was wishing I could have thanked him one more time for the great thing that he did for Alex and me. Plus, we did not really care about the theoric stuff. What we wanted to was play music. We wanted to perform, to show the world what we were capable of. But that dream had to wait. So we kept studying, keeping that dream in the back of our minds.

When we were out of school, Alex and I started to compose songs together as a duet. He was the singer while I was the guitarist. We recorded a few songs and sent them to many labels in the hopes that they would call us back. Months passed and no label showed any sign of interest in our stuff. That was until we woke up to the most unexpected. It was the director from Hopeless Records. He wanted to sign Alex and I to his label. Our dream was finally coming true. We were going to play music for a living. We were going to see our dreams come true together.

We quit University and started to record an album right away. Both Alex and I could not believe what was happening to us. We were leaving the dream. And living it with my husband only made it even more fantastical and amazing. We passed a few months in the studio composing and recording. It was hard, but in the end, the final result was phenomenal. The first album of Forever&Always was finally out and that only was the beginning of something even more bigger.

We started touring with bigger bands than us. We opened for bands like Tonight Alive, You Me At Six and more. Even though we still weren't well known, it felt incredible to play on stages in front of hundreds, even thousands of people. Alex and I were finally showing our talent to the world. That was what we always wanted: living the dream with the love of your life.

Our popularity increased rapidly as the months went by. We had fans who would show up to our shows, singing along to every single one of our songs. It felt awesome to see such dedicated fans. They were giving us so much love. And we feeded on that love. Everything was insane. Our songs played on the radio and our albums sells were incredible. We started from nothing to finally reach the top.

Tonight was our first headlining gig. We became big enough to have our own shows and have our own tour. We had released another album and we became popular all over the world. I was pretty nervous. I never was nervous, but this time, I was. Never in my life would have I thought that I was going to share the stage with the love of my life, doing music for a living.

''I love you,'' My husband whispered as he took me in a hug.

''I love you even more, Alex,'' I replied.

''I can't believe that this is finally happening. Our first headline show. This is our dream Jack. And I'm so happy to live it with you by my side,'' Alex said.

''It will always be you and me, until the end,'' I replied, before kissing him tenderly still feeling those same old and beautiful butterflies in my stomach.

''Forever and Always,'' Jack said.

That's when Alex and I were given the signal to get on the stage. I grabbed my old guitar and ran to the stage with Alex by my side. We were welcomed by the cheers and the screams of the crowd. That was home. Being on stage that I shared with my husband, in front of the most beautiful crowd, grew up to be my home. That was where I belonged. I belonged with the most beautiful, incredible, amazing, smart, respectuous and generous man that I called my husband. I belonged by his side. We had found our paradise.

Alex and I had showed life that we were stronger than she was. We showed her that she might have seperated us for a while, but that our love was so powerful that nothing could seperate us forever.I fell in love with this guy who used to be a jerk. I fell for him hard and he did too. We hurt each other, we both have been really stupid. We thought it was the end of us, but it was not. Love made us fight. We did not give up. We fought for each other until we found our way back to each other's arms, right where we belonged. The guy I once thought was a human form of the devil turned out to be an angel. And he was my angel. Forever and always.


End file.
